Excerpts from Richard Pryor Comedy Routines:

I HOPE I'M FUNNY

23.

THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING! HOPE I'M FUNNY. YEAH, `CAUSE I KNOW NIGGERS READY TO KICK ASS! TALKING ABOUT: "YOU BETTER BE FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER." HELLO.

WOW! THIS IS VERY EXCITING, VERY EXCITING. I'M GLAD Y'ALL CAME. CAME? YEAH, Y'ALL COME - TO THE SHOW. WHAT? DON'T START NO SHIT NOW. NIGGERS BE STARTING TO FIGHT AND SHIT IN THE CLUB. PULL OUT A PISTOL AND SHIT AND CLEAR EVERYTHING OUT. . .

NIGGERS GET OUTSIDE, THEN ARGUE: "WELL. I LEFT MY MONEY IN THE MOTHERFUCKER!"

WHY AM I WALKING? WELL, I'M RUNNING TO KEEP OUT OF Y'ALL'S WAY. I BE MOVING SHIT, MAKING MY MIND WORK. THEM FEETS, FEET. YOU KNOW, TIGHT SHOES WILL MAKE A NIGGER SAY ANYTHING! YOU EVER BEEN. . . HAVE YOU EVER HAD TIGHT SHOES ON? TIGHT SHOES ARE A MOTHERFUCKER, BROTHER. THEY DON'T NEED TO BEAT UP NO NIGGER DOWN AT THE JAIL TO MAKE HIM CONFESS! GIVE HIM A SIZE TOO SMALL. IN ABOUT AN HOUR THAT NIGGER WILL BE: "I'LL TELL!"

24.

I USED TO BE, REALLY, SO POOR I'D WALK DOWN THE STREET, YOU EVER DO THAT, LOOKING FOR MONEY? AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU AIN'T.

I USED TO LOSE MONEY. I LOST SOME MONEY ONCE, MAN. MY MOTHER GAVE ME MONEY TO GO PAY A LIGHT BILL. I LOST TEN DOLLARS. AND PAINCKED. `CAUSE I KNOW MAMA'S GONNA-KICK-MY-ASS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, THAT TEN DOLLARS, JACK? AND I WALKED UP AND THIS WHITE DUDE SAW ME CRYING ON THE CORNER. HE SAID: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, BOY?" I TOLD HIM MY STORY. THE CAT GAVE ME TEN DOLLARS. I SAID: "WHAT?" GAVE ME TEN BUCKS. SHIT, I WAS OUT THERE EVERY DAY. CRYING MY ASS OFF.

25. BLACK & WHITE LIFESTYLES?

WHITE FOLKS DO THINGS A LOT DIFFERENT THAN NIGGERS DO. THEY EAT QUIET AND SHIT. YOU BE OVER THERE AND THEY BE: "PASS THE POTATOES. THANK YOU, DARLING. COULD I HAVE A BIT OF THAT SAUCE? HOW ARE THE KIDS COMING ALONG WITH THEIR STUDIES? THINK WE'LL BE HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE THIS EVENING? WE'RE NOT? WELL, WHAT THE HECK?"

BLACK FAMILIES BE DIFFERENT, HAVE MORE RHYTHM AND SHIT. MY FATHER, WHEN WE ATE, IT WAS FUN `CAUSE HE MADE NOISE AND SHIT. "HEY BITCH, WHERE'S THE FOOD. . . PASS SHIT, NIGGER, KISS MY ASS. . . "

DIFFERENT LIFESTYLES: SEE, WHITE FOLKS DON'T PLAY ENOUGH. THEY DON'T RELAX. THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE DOZENS, OR NOTHING. RIGHT, THEY GET UPTIGHT. YOU TELL A WHITE DUDE: "GO FUCK YOURSELF. AW, FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" HE GETS VERY OFFENDED: "I BEG YOUR PARDON. I MEAN, AS SUPERVISOR HERE, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IS NECESSARY. WE CERTAINLY CAN COMMUNICATE ON A HIGHER PLANE THAN THAT."

DON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT THEY MAMA, THEY GO: "MY MOM, SHE WAS A GREAT OLD GAL!" WHITE FOLKS FUCK QUIET TOO. . .

26. ALI

WHITE FOLKS ARE MAD AT ALI `CAUSE. . . THEY ARE! ALI'S KICKING ASS, MAKING MONEY, AIN'T KILLED NOBODY!

THEY SAY `WHY ALI'S NOT FIGHTING. IT'S A CIRCUS.' ALI AIN'T MAKING THEM OTHER NIGGERS NOT FIGHT.

. . . AND THEY TALKING `BOUT ALI AIN'T GOT NO PUNCH. HE STEADY KNOCKING MOTHERFUCKERS OUT. SURPRISED THE SHIT OUT OF GEORGE FOREMAN, `CAUSE GEORGE JUST KNEW HE WAS GOING TO WIN THE FIGHT, ON BRUTE STRENGTH, IF NOTHING ELSE. CAUSE GEORGE HAS A UNIQUE BOXING STYLE. . . NONE.

ALI HIT THAT NIGGER ABOUT NINE TIMES. . . GEORGE SAID "HEY, SHIT, LET ME CHECK THIS OUT IN THE CORNER. HEY COACH, THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT NIGGER WAS GOING TO DANCE . . YOU DIDN'T SAY HE WAS GOING TO DANCE IN MY FACE."

THAT'S THE NIGGER THEY SHOULD PARDON. (JOE LOUIS) PARDON HIM FROM ALL THEM TAXES. SHIT, (IF YOU) PARDON NIXON, YOU CAN PARDON ANY MOTHERFUCKER. YOU WHITE FOLKS WRITE A LETTER IN, AND YOU CAN GET THAT DONE. `CAUSE THEY DON'T OPEN OUR MAIL. "PUT THAT IN THE NIGGER PILE, THAT'S FINE!"

27. `THE EXORCIST'

DID Y'ALL SEE `THE EXORCIST'? IT'S A STORY ABOUT THE DEVIL, GETS INTO THIS 12 YEAR OLD GIRL. THE DEVIL IS A LOW MOTHERFUCKER, JACK. SEE, THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN NO MOVIE IF THERE HAD BEEN NIGGERS IN IT. SEE, THE MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT SEVEN MINUTES LONG. AS SOON AS THE DEVIL SPOKE: "HELLO." "GOODBYE."

SEE A NIGGER WOULD HAVE HANDLED THAT MOVIE DIFFERENT. THE NIGGER WOULD'VE WALKED IN THE HOUSE TALKING `BOUT: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUNKY SMELL? AND ALL THAT RACKET UPSTAIRS. IS THE GIRL CRAZY? SMELL LIKE SHIT IN HERE. SOME DEVILISH SHIT AT THAT." THEN HE WALKS IN THE ROOM: "BITCH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? GET UP OUT OF BED AND WASH YOUR ASS, GIRL. STINKING UP THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.

AND GET THE CROSS OUT OF YOUR PUSSY. . ."

28. THE QUEST FOR PUSSY

SOME FUCKING IS GOOD FOR YOU, THOUGH, JACK. GETTING SOME PUSSY BEATS HAVING A WAR. I AIN'T LYING COMING IS A LOT OF FUN. PLUS, I NEVER GOT NO PUSSY WHEN I WAS A LEGAL TEENAGER. RIGHT, MOST GIRLS SAID: "AW, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU. YOU CAN'T EVEN SING!" YOU HAD TO SING, OR SOMETHING, TO GET SOME PUSSY. RIGHT, GIRLS USED TO DO HORRIBLE SHIT TO A NIGGER, BOY. `CAUSE THEY WEREN'T GIVING UP NO PUSSY. IN THE 50'S IT WAS VERY SELDOM YOU GOT ANY PARTS OF PUSSY. RIGHT, YOU BE TONGUE KISSING AND SHIT, JACK. DICK GETS HARDER THAN TIMES IN `29. RIGHT, NUTS GO ALL UP IN YOUR STOMACH. YOU EVER HAVE THAT? YOU KNOW, YOU BE: "OH, YOU GOT TO GIVE ME SOME NOW." (SHE SAYS:) "I'M NOT GIVING ANYTHING. I'M ON MY PERIOD." "YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD AGAIN? YOU'RE GONNA BLEED TO DEATH, BITCH?"

29. MY FATHER

I HATED FOR MY FATHER TO COME AND GET ME OUT OF JAIL CAUSE I'D KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BEAT MY ASS, RIGHT? "MR. PRYOR, WE HAVE YOUR SON DOWN HERE AT HEADQUARTERS, WHAT ABOUT IT?" "FUCK HIM."

THERE WAS ALWAYS ONE NAME IN BOXING THAT YOU COULD BRING UP AND FUCK EVERYBODY UP RIGHT THEN AND THERE: "BUT WHAT IF HE HAD FOUGHT SUGAR RAY ROBINSON?" AH, SHIT! AH, WOOO! YOU GONNA FUCK WITH THE SUGAR? I AIN'T LYING, SUGAR FIGHT SO GOOD IT MAKE YOUR DICK HARD!

MY FAMILY ONLY FUCKED IN ONE POSITION: UP AND DOWN. HE'D GO: "BOY, DON'T YOU EVER KISS NO PUSSY. I MEAN THAT, WHATEVER YOU DO IN LIFE, DON'T KISS NO PUSSY!" I COULDN'T WAIT TO KISS A PUSSY. HE'D BEEN WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.

30. NIGGER WITH A SEIZURE

DRINKING AIN'T COOL. NONE OF THAT SHIT IS COOL. I REMEMBER AT HOME, MAN, DUDES USED TO DRINK AND SHIT, AND THEN WANT TO FIGHT. SOME NIGGERS DRINK, YOU KNOW, AND HAVE A SEIZURE! YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS ONE NIGGER THAT DRINKS, AND EVERY WEEKEND GETS HIS ASS WHIPPED. HE NEVER WINS A FIGHT, BUT ALWAYS WANTS TO FIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NICE GUY DURING THE WEEK: "HI." "HI, HOW'RE YOU?" WEEKEND: "MOTHERFUCKER. . . GET OUT OF MY FACE!" YOU GO TO THE BAR, MAN, YOU SEE THEM IN THE BAR. . . CATS BE IN THE BAR, BE FUCKED UP! HE STARTS: "NO MAN, LEAVE ME ALONE, NIGGER. SHIT, YOU AIN'T GOT TO FUCK WITH ME, BABY. KEEPS ME SOME MONEY! SHIT, I BUY MY OWN SHIT, MAN."

"SAY, MAN, BARTENDER, NIGGER GIVE ME MY WHISKEY. WHAT? I'M DRUNK? NIGGER, FUCK YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK, MOTHERFUCKER? YOU CRAZY? SHIT, YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT AN HOUR AGO. . . WHEN YOU WAS SELLING ME THAT SHIT. BABY, I'M BUYING EVERYBODY IN HERE. . . SOMETHING. GIVE ME A BEER. . . FOR EVERYBODY, ONE MOTHERFUCKING BEER, HA, HA, HA! WHOOO! SING THAT SONG YOU BITCH! THAT MOTHERFUCKER SING HER ASS OFF, BABY. WOOO! SHIT! WHAT YOU LOOKING AT BITCH? UGLY MOTHERFUCKER. WELL, AIN'T NOBODY FUCKING WITH YOU. I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING TO YOU. NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO STOP FUCKING WITH ME!"

31. COCAINE

I SNORTED COCAINE FOR ABOUT 15 YEARS. . . WITH MY DUMB ASS. I MUST HAVE SNORTED UP PERU. I COULD HAVE BOUGHT PERU (WITH) ALL THE SHIT I SNORTED.

I STARTED OFF SNORTING LITTLE TINY PINCHES. I SAID, "I KNOW I AIN'T GONNA GET HOOKED. NOT ON NO COKE! YOU CAN'T GET HOOKED." MY FRIENDS, THEY'VE BEEN SNORTING FOR 15 YEARS. THEY'RE NOT HOOKED.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME IF YOU PUT IT ON YOUR DICK, YOU COULD FUCK ALL NIGHT. THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME THAT! MY DICK HAD A JONES. $600 A DAY, JUST TO GET MY DICK HARD.

NIGGERS BE HOLDING THEM DICKS TOO, JACK. AND WHITE PEOPLE GO, "WHY (DO) YOU GUYS HOLD YOUR THINGS?" SAY YOU DONE TOOK EVERYTHING ELSE, MOTHERFUCKER. . . NIGGER BE CHECKING!

32. WHEN YOUR WOMAN LEAVES YOU

THE WORST THING ABOUT JAIL IS WHEN YOUR WOMAN COMES TO VISIT YOU. AND THEY GET FUNKY WHEN A NIGGER'S LOCKED UP. RIGHT, YOU BE(HIND) 8 INCHES OF GLASS. YOU CAN'T REACH THEM MOTHERFUCKERS. RIGHT, AND SHE BE TALKING SHIT LIKE: "I NEVER DID LIKE YOUR MAMA." "WHO YOU TALKING TO?" "I'M TALKING TO YOU, NIGGER. YOU'RE THE ONE IN JAIL.". . . AND (SHE'S) FUCKING EVERYBODY!

CAUSE YOU BE IN LOVE AND SHIT. YOU DON'T WANT NOBODY IN YOUR PUSS. RIGHT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU FIND ONE THAT FITS. YOU DON'T WANT NO MOTHERFUCKER STRETCHING YOUR PUSSY OUT OF SHAPE. SHIT!

YOUR WOMAN GETS READY TO LEAVE, AND YOU HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT THE PUSSY, RIGHT. SAY: "OH BABY, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. TAKE THE TV, BUT LEAVE THE PUSSY, PLEASE."

33.

I DON'T MIND WOMEN LEAVING ME, THOUGH SEE, BUT THEY TELL YOU WHY. WELL, FUCK THAT, JUST LEAVE! CAUSE AIN'T SHIT YOU CAN SAY WHEN THEY TALKING TO YOU. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE. ALL YOU CAN DO IS STAND THERE AND LOOK SILLY, RIGHT . . .

AND WHEN SHIT GETS TOO THICK, NIGGERS GOT A GREAT ANSWER: "WELL, FUCK IT THEN!"

"TAKE YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT. . . ."

"I'M GONNA FIND ME SOME NEW PUSSY." BUT WOMEN COME BACK AT YOUR ASS THOUGH, RIGHT. "IF YOU HAD TWO MORE INCHES OF DICK, YOU'D FIND SOME NEW PUSSY HERE!"

YOU HAVE TO GO TO YOUR PSYCHOLOGY BAG ON THEIR ASS. "HEY, BABY, HEY, WAIT, FUCK ALL THIS ARGUING. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. LET'S, LET'S BE COOL. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME, AND PACK YOUR SHIT. ALRIGHT. . . TAKE YOUR TIME. PACK YOUR SHIT. PUT YOUR SHIT IN A BAG. IS THAT BAG GOING TO BE BIG ENOUGH? `CAUSE, IF NOT, YOU CAN USE ONE OF MINE. ALRIGHT, YOU COOL? YOU GOT MONEY AND EVERYTHING? CAUSE I'LL GIVE YOU SOME. . . YOU DON'T NEED NO MONEY? YOU'RE COOL. NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY AM I BEING. . .? I JUST WANT THIS TO BE RIGHT. SHIT, I CAN'T MAKE YOU STAY IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE. YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR STUFF. YOU UNDERSTAND? WE STARTED OFF AS HUMAN BEINGS. I WANT IT TO END THAT WAY, YOU DIG. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FIND ANOTHER WAY OUT OF HERE OTHER THAN THAT DOOR. CAUSE IF YOU TRY TO LEAVE ME, BITCH, I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR ASS!"

34. MUDBONE (INTRO)

I WAS BORN IN PEORIA, ILLINOIS. (FROM AUDIENCE: "WHAT'S THAT?") THAT'S A CITY, NIGGER. YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT, SEE. OLD COUNTRY-ASS BOY. AND WHEN I WAS LITTLE, THERE WAS AN OLD MAN. HIS NAME WAS MUDBONE. AND HE DIPPED SNUFF. AND HE'D SIT IN FRONT THE BARBECUE PIT, AND HE'D SPIT. SEE, THAT WAS HIS JOB. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WAS HIS JOB, SEE. CAUSE THAT'S ALL HE DID. BUT HE'D TELL STORIES, FASCINATING STORIES, SEE. HE WAS FASCINATING. AND I LOVED HIM. HE MADE ME VERY HAPPY. CAUSE I'D STAY WITH HIM AND LISTEN TO THIS STUFF. YOU SEE, YOU LEARN SOMETHING WHEN YOU LISTEN TO OLD PEOPLE. THEY AIN'T FOOLS, SEE. YOU DON'T GET TO BE OLD BY BEING NO FOOL, SEE. A LOT OF YOUNG WISE MEN ARE DEADER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, AIN'T THEY?

35. WINO DEALING WITH DRACULA

WINOS DEAL WITH IT. WINOS NEVER GET AFRAID OF NOTHING, BUT RUNNING OUT OF WINE. THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT PANICS A WINO. A WINO COULD DEAL WITH DRACULA. "HEY MAN, SAY NIGGER, YOU, WITH THE CAPE. WHAT YOU DOING PEEKING IN THEM PEOPLE'S WINDOW? WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY? DRACULA? WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT FOR A NIGGER? WHERE YOU FROM FOOL? . . . "

"YOU WANT TO SUCK WHAT? SUCK SOME BLOOD? NIGGER IS YOU CRAZY? YOU SOME KIND OF FREAK, BOY? A UGLY FREAK. YOU AIN'T SUCKING NOTHING HERE, JUNIOR. SUCK YOUR ASS ON AWAY FROM HERE IS WHAT YOU BETTER DO."

36. FLYING SAUCERS

A LOT A NIGGERS AIN'T SCARED. YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN THE MARTIANS LANDED AND SHIT, WHITE FOLKS GOT SCARED. . . NOTHING CAN SCARE A NIGGER AFTER 400 YEARS OF THIS SHIT!

A MARTIAN WOULDN'T HAVE A CHANCE. IF HE LAND IN NEW YORK, A NIGGER WILL TAKE HIS SHIT FROM HIM: "GIVE UP! YOU GOT TO GIVE UP THE FLYING SAUCER, BABY."

37.

ORWELL WOULD FIGHT THE POLICE. HE'S ONE OF THOSE CRAZY "SHOOT ME" NIGGERS. "WELL KILL ME! SHOOT ME MOTHERFUCKER!" POW! "OH, SHIT! OH, GODDAMN! SOMEBODY CALL ME A CAB. DAMN IF I'M GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH WAITING FOR AN AMBULANCE."

AIN'T NO WAY TO GET AN AMBULANCE IN THE GHETTO UNLESS YOU CALL UP: "THERE'S FIVE NIGGERS KILLING A WHITE WOMAN." (SCREECH. "WHERE'S THE BODY?")

POLICEMAN FUCK WITH ORWELL AND SHIT. "ALRIGHT, MOVE ALONG." (HE REPLIES:)"SAY, MR. OFFICIER, DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU FUCKING WITH? I'M ORWELL! 6 FOOT 5, 422 POUNDS OF MAN! BOY, YOU HIT ME WITH THAT STICK, I'M GOING TO BITE YOUR DICK. THERE'LL BE SOME BLOOD SHED. SHIT, I AIN'T BULLSHITTING."

38. BLACK MAN/WHITE WOMAN

MEN AND WOMEN FIGHT A LOT. SEE, WHITE WOMEN AND WHITE MEN, THEY SELDOM EVER HAVE FIST FIGHTS. THEY PREFER INTELLECTUALLY HURTING EACH OTHER, SO THEY SAY. NO, A WHITE WOMAN WILL SAY FUNNY SHIT TO HER MAN: "YOUR DICK IS SHORT, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SCREW!" AND THE WHITE DUDE GOES: "WE'LL DISCUSS IT TOMORROW." YOU SAY THAT SHIT TO A NIGGER, YOU GOT TO FIGHT.

DON'T EVER MARRY A WHITE WOMAN IN CALIFORNIA. A LOT OF YOU SISTERS PROBABLY SAY: "DON'T MARRY A WHITE WOMAN ANYWAY, NIGGER." BUT, WHY SHOULD YOU BE HAPPY? SISTERS LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU KILLED YOUR MAMA WHEN YOU'RE OUT WITH A WHITE WOMAN. YOU CAN'T LAUGH THAT SHIT OFF EITHER. YOU BE, HA, HA:"SHE'S NOT WITH ME."

MY WIFE WENT TO COURT, MAN, SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS 12 YEARS OLD. I SAID: "WHO IS THAT BITCH?" (SHE SAYS:)"AND YOUR HONOR, EVERYTHING HAPPENED TO ME. . ." JUDGE STARTED CRYING: "NIGGER WE WANT EVERYTHING! DO YOU HAVE ANY DREAMS? WE WANT THEM TOO."

NIGGER VS. THE POLICE

COPS REALLY PUT A HURTING ON YOUR ASS, MAN. THEY REALLY DEGRADE YOU. WHITE PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT, THEY DON'T BELIEVE THAT COPS DEGRADE (US). "AW, COME ON, THOSE BEATINGS. THOSE PEOPLE WERE RESISTING ARREST. I'M TIRED OF THIS HARRASSMENT OF POLICE OFFICERS." `CAUSE THE POLICE LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, SEE. (RIGHT ON) AND YOU BE KNOWING THEM AS OFFICER TIMSON: "HELLO, OFFICER TIMSON, GOING BOWLING TONIGHT? HA, HA, HA . . ." NIGGERS DON'T KNOW THEM LIKE THAT. SEE, WHITE FOLKS GET A TICKET, THEY PULL OVER: "HEY OFFICER." "YES, GLAD TO BE OF HELP, HERE YOU GO." NIGGER GOT TO BE TALKING ABOUT: "I-AM-REACHING-INTO-MY-POCKET-FOR-MY-LICENSE. . . `CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE NO MOTHERFUCKING ACCIDENT."

POLICE DEGRADE. . . I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW. . . IT'S AWFUL. YOU WONDER WHY A NIGGER DON'T GO COMPLETELY MAD. NO, YOU DO (WONDER). YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, YOU WORK ALL WEEK, RIGHT. THEN YOU GET DRESSED. . . RIGHT, AND YOU GO OUT AND GET CLEAN AND BE DRIVING WITH YOUR OLD LADY, GOING OUT TO A CLUB. . . AND THE POLICE PULL YOU OVER. "GET OUT OF THE CAR! THERE WAS A ROBBERY! THE NIGGER LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU! ALRIGHT, PUT YOUR HANDS UP, TAKE YOUR PANTS DOWN AND SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS." NOW, WHAT NIGGER FEEL LIKE HAVING FUN AFTER THAT? "NO, LET'S JUST GO HOME, BABY." YOU GO HOME, BEAT YOUR KIDS AND SHIT. YOU GONNA TAKE THAT SHIT OUT ON SOMEBODY.

WINO & JUNKIE

WINO: WAA-HAA-HAA-HAA. JESUS ON MY MIND! YEAH NIGGER, I KNOW JESUS. SHIT, I REMEMBER WHEN THE BOY GOT KILLED, THAT'S FOR REAL MAN, IT WAS ON A FRIDAY, DOWN AT THE RAILROAD DEPOT. I TRIED TO WARN THE NIGGER. I SAID: "BOY, DON'T YOU GO DOWN THERE FUCKING WITH THEM JEWS WITHOUT NO MONEY."

HEY, ICE CREAM BOY. YOU WANT TO TURN THAT GODDAMN NOISE OFF? DON'T NOBODY WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT AT THIS TIME OF MORNING. WELL, JUMP ON OUT THERE NIGGER, YOU BAD. I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR ASS. I'M A VETERAN, BOY. I WAS IN WORLD WAR I. THE BATTLE OF THE CHATEAU BRIAND. . .

WHO THAT BOY? IS THAT JUNIOR? LOOK AT THAT NIGGER. LOOK AT HIM, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. JUNKIE MOTHERFUCKER. LOOK AT THAT. NIGGER USED TO BE A GENIUS! I AIN'T LYING, BOOKED THE NUMBERS, DIDN'T NEED PAPER OR PENCIL! NOW THE NIGGER CAN'T REMEMBER WHO HE IS!

"SAY NIGGER, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE STREET, BOY! (WHISTLES) MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, BOY!"

JUNKIE: WHAT'S HAPPENING! WHAT'S HAPPENING? SHIT, I KNOW SOMETHING'S HAPPENING, CAUSE EVERYTHING'S MOVING. BABY. . .

WINO: YEAH NIGGER, I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR ASS. I GOT SOME ADVICE. YOU BETTER LAY OFF THAT NARCOTIC, NIGGER. THAT SHIT DONE MADE YOU NULL AND VOID.

I AIN'T LYING, BOY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DON'T YOU STRAIGHTEN UP AND GET A JOB?

JUNKIE: GET A JOB? MOTHERFUCKER, YOU'RE TALKING TO THE KID, BABY. SHIT. I WORKED FIVE YEARS IN A ROW WHEN I WAS IN THE JOINT. PRESSING THEM MOTHERFUCKING LICENSE PLATES. I'M A LICENSE PLATE PRESSING MOTHERFUCKER TOO, BABY. WHERE A NIGGER GONNA GET A JOB OUT HERE PRESSING LICENSE PLATES?

WINO: . . .YOU ALRIGHT WITH ME. BOY. I'M JUST ASHAMED TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.

JUNKIE: ASHAMED, TO SEE ME? WHAT ABOUT THIS SHIT OUT HERE? NIGGERS IS FUCKING WITH ME MAN. . . (PAUSE) WAS I FINISHED?

I WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT BUREAU, BABY. BITCH SITTING BEHIND THE DESK. UGLY MOTHERFUCKER. COME TELLING ME, TALKING `BOUT: "YOU HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD." I SAID: "I KNOW THAT BITCH! I'M A CRIMINAL! JUST TELL ME WHERE I'M GOING TO GET A JOB. UGLY BITCH. I'VE SEEN BETTER FACES ON IODINE BOTTLES."

BITCH MADE ME MAD, JIM. I VOMITED AND SHIT ON THE FLOOR. I DID, MAN. THEN MAKE THAT NIGGER WITH THAT PISTOL DOWN THERE CLEAN IT UP. NIGGER TALKING `BOUT "CLEAN UP THAT VOMIT, MOTHERFUCKER." HA, HA, HA. I SAID: "FUCK YOU NIGGER. I AIN'T CLEANING THAT SHIT UP." HE SAID: "YOU'RE GONNA CLEAN THIS SHIT UP, OR I'M GONNA SHOOT YOUR ASS!" AND I SAID: "WELL, WHO GONNA CLEAN UP THE BLOOD, NIGGER?" A-HA-HA-HA.

WENT OUTSIDE MAN, I WAS CLEANER THAN A BROKE-DICK DOG TOO, BABY. SAW A BITCH THAT WAS SO FINE. WHOOO! SHOT VOLTS THROUGH MY HEART, BABY.

WINO: HA, HA! NIGGER, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A FINE WOMAN IF YOU TRIPPED OVER HER.

JUNKIE: THIS BITCH WAS FINE, POPS. I AIN'T LYING. THE BITCH WAS SO FINE I WANTED TO SUCK HER DADDY'S DICK! SHIT. IS THAT FINE ENOUGH FOR YOUR ASS?. . .

I WENT HOME, MADEAR CALLED ME A DOG. YOU DIG THAT! MY FATHER SAY HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME IN THE VICINITY. JUST `CAUSE I STOLE HIS TELEVISION. THAT'S THE POLITICS, BABY.

I'M SICK, POPS. WONDER CAN YOU HELP ME? MY MIND IS THINKING ABOUT SHIT I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT. I CAN'T STOP THE MOTHERFUCKER, BABY. MOVING TOO FAST FOR THE KID. TELL ME SOME OF THEM OLD LIES OF YOURS TO MAKE ME STOP THINKING ABOUT THE TRUTH. WOULD YOU HELP ME?

WINO: YEAH, I'M GONNA HELP YOU BOY `CAUSE I BELIEVE YOU GOT POTENTIAL. THAT'S RIGHT! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE WHITE MAN. THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH HIM. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHY I'M IN THE POSITION I'M IN TODAY!

EDITOR'S NOTE: IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY BROTHER M.O. WHO TOLD ME MORE JOKES THAN I CAN EVER REMEMBER. LIKE THE THE ONE WHERE AN INDIAN IS ASKED TO DESCRIBE A NIGGER AND THE INDIAN REPLIES: "HE WAS TALL AS PINE, BLACK AS COAL, AND TALKED MORE SHIT THAN A RADIO." I `D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE WHITE MAN FOR INVENTING COMPUTERS WITHOUT WHICH MY BLACK ASS WOULD BE COMPLETELY LOST. YOU SEE, AFTER TAKING SO MANY DRUGS AS A KID I WAS STRICKEN WITH A HORRIBLE DISEASE CALLED C.R.S. THAT STANDS FOR "CAN'T REMEMBER SHIT."