Talking to a Friend About Drinking or Drug Use

It's difficult to know when to say something when you're worried about a friend's drug or alcohol use. Ask yourself...

How does it affect you?

• Have you lost time from classes, studying, or a job in order to help your friend cope with problems caused by her drinking or drug use?
• Is your friend's drinking or drug use making you unhappy in any aspect of your life?
• Is your friend's behavior affecting your reputation in a way you don't like?
• Have you ever felt embarrassed or hurt by something he said or did while intoxicated? Have there been outbursts of anger or irritability?
• Have you ever had to take care of your friend because of her alcohol or drug use?

How does it affect your friend?

• Does your friend drink in order to get drunk?
• Does your friend drink or use drugs in an environment that you would rather avoid? Has there been a change in your friend's peer group?
• Is your friend doing dangerous things because of drugs or alcohol?
• Has your friend ever wanted to cut down on drinking or drug use?
• Does your friend slam drinks?
• Does your friend ever drink to steady his nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
• Has your friend ever been in trouble because of drinking or drug use?
• Does your friend find it necessary to drink or get high in order to enjoy a party?
• Are drugs or alcohol affecting your friend's academic performance?
• Does your friend drink to escape from or to cope with problems or stress? Does she use drugs or alcohol to avoid painful feelings?
• Has your friend ever been unable to remember things she said or did while drinking (blacked out)?
• Has your friend ever had a frightening experience with drugs but continued to use?
• Is your friend annoyed when people criticize his drinking?
• Has your friend ever received medical care for something related to drinking or drug use? Have you noticed a decline in personal health or appearance?
• Does anyone in your friend's family drink to excess regularly? Do any close relatives have a drinking or drug problem?

The more times you answer yes, and the more frequently each factor is true, the more likely it is that your friend has a problem. A caring conversation can help your friend learn about how his or her behavior affects others and can help your friend get the help she/he needs.

Remember, needing help is not the same as being an alcoholic or an addict. Uncontrolled alcohol or drug use is not the only sign that someone needs help. Many people can stop whenever they choose, even for long periods of time. The important question is what happens to them when they drink or use drugs. Do they do things they regret later: get in fights, destroy property, drive under the influence, or have unplanned or unwanted sex?

There are many ways to help someone who's having trouble with alcohol or drugs. Some people just need the wake up call of your honest opinion; others can benefit from professional help to make changes in their behavior. Still others need professional help to maintain complete abstinence through rehabilitation programs and/or recovery programs. At Brown there's help to know which one is right for your friend.

Before you talk to your friend

• Learn about drug and alcohol abuse. You can talk to any of the resources listed below, anonymously or confidentially.
• Prepare a list of specific problems that have occurred because of your friend's drinking or drug use. Keep these items as concrete as possible. "You're so antisocial when you drink" will not mean as much as, "When you were drunk, you made fun of me and were mean to me. You hurt me." Bring the list with you and keep the conversation focused.
• Choose a private location where you can talk without embarrassment or interruption. Your friend is more likely to hear you in a restaurant booth than at a large table in the Ratty. A talk in your room with the TV and stereo off will be more successful than one in your friend's room where he can easily create distractions while you talk.
• Feeling nervous about talking to your friend? Click to read success stories from college students.

How to talk to your friend

• Talk to your friend when she is sober. The sooner you can arrange this after a bad episode, the better. Your message will have more impact while your friend is hung over than it will three days later.
• Restrict your comments to what you feel and what you have experienced of your friend's behavior. Express statements that cannot be disputed. Remarks like, "Everyone's disgusted with you," or, "Lily thinks you have a real problem," will probably lead to arguments about Lily's problems or who 'everyone' is. Avoid such generalizations.
• Convey your concern for your friend's well being with specific statements. "I want to talk to you because I am worried about you," or "Our friendship means a lot to me. I don't like to see what's been happening."
• It is important to openly discuss the negative consequences of your friend's drinking or drug use. Use concrete examples from your list. "At the party I was left standing there while you threw up. The next day you were too hung over to write your paper. It makes me sad that these things are happening in your life."
• Emphasize the difference between sober behavior that you like and drinking behavior that you dislike. "You have the most wonderful sense of humor, but when you drink it turns into cruel sarcasm and you're not funny any more. You're mean."
• Be sure to distinguish between the person and the behavior. "I think you're a great person, but the more marijuana you smoke, the less you seem to care about anything."
• Encourage your friend to consult with a professional to talk about his/her alcohol problem. Give them the resources listed below. You can offer to find out more about the resources or go with them to an appointment.
• Talk to people you trust (other friends or relatives) about your concerns. Their involvement may help.

What NOT to do

• Don't accuse or argue. If your friend gets angry or provokes you, remind yourself to remain calm and to stay focused on your goal -- to be helpful by honestly expressing your concerns. "I understand that you don't like some things I do, either; we can talk about them later. My point now is that when you drink, I feel hurt by the things you do."
• Don't lecture or moralize. Remain factual, listen, and be nonjudgmental. Remarks like, "You've been acting like a slut," will only elicit defensive anger. Instead say, "You've been going out with people you don't like and doing things you regret the next day."
• Don't give up. If your friend seems resistant, you can bring it up later or let them know you're there for them if they ever want to talk.

Resources at Brown

Brown Emergency Medical Services (EMS) 863-4111
Emergency response available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Click here to find out what happens when you call EMS.

Dean of Chemical Dependency, Kathleen McSharry 863-2536
The Dean of Chemical Dependency provides comprehensive academic and social support in non-clinical settings for Brown students, faculty and staff affected by alcohol or drug abuse. Click here to contact her by email.


Confidential appointments for drug or alcohol concerns. Located on the third floor of Health Services.

Confidential walk-in or appointment health care. Located at the corner of Brown and Charlesfield streets.

Early Sobriety Group
A group for students in recovery. Click here to contact the Dean of Chemical Dependency, Kathleen McSharry, for more information.

Confidential appointments and groups for adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). Located on the second floor of Rhode Island Hall.

Resources in Providence

Confidential and anonymous twelve-step recovery program for people with drinking problems. Meetings near Brown: 5:00pm Mondays and 5:30pm Thursdays in the Common Room of Alumnae Hall. For more meetings and information, call the number above or go to their website. Providence groups that are especially good for young people are:

Young People's Meeting
Mondays 8:00 pm
West Broadway Neighborhood Association
1560 Westminster at Sycamore

Open Speaker Meeting
Fridays 7:00 pm
St. Sebastian's Church
Cole and Lloyd Avenues

Road to Happy Destiny
Saturdays 5:30 pm
Providence Presbyterian Church
500 Hope Street

Confidential and anonymous twelve-step recovery program for people with drug problems. Meeting near Brown: 7:30pm Thursdays, Commons Room of Alumnae Hall. For more meetings and information, call the number above or go to their website.

Confidential and anonymous twelve-step program for friends and family members of people with drinking problems. Some groups are specifically for adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). Al-Anon meetings near Brown: noon Tuesdays and Thursdays at St. Stephen's Church Parish House (on George Street between Brown and Thayer). For more information about Al-Anon and Alateen, you can go to their website. For online Al-Anon groups, follow this link. For other meetings in Rhode Island, click here.

last modified: February 28, 2008