Emotional
abuse
This type of abuse is also referred to as psychological abuse. It
is often the form of abuse that is most difficult for people who
have never been abused to understand. When taken out of context,
emotional abuse may look "normal." For example, joking
about a mistake someone has made can be a normal part of a relationship.
However, when it is part of ongoing insults, criticism and put-downs,
it reinforces a victim's feelings of worthlessness and it is abusive.
Other examples of emotional abuse include:
isolating
the victim
tracking
everything s/he does
threatening
to "out" the victim
threatening
to turn friends against the victim
threatening
suicide
withholding
emotion
blaming
the victim for everything
keeping
someone from studying or doing things they enjoy
Survivors
of abuse consistently say that emotional abuse is the most difficult
form of abuse to recover from. Bruises and broken bones can heal,
but recovering from feeling worthless is a much harder process.
Economic
abuse
Money is a difficult thing to negotiate in a healthy relationship.
When someone is abusive, money becomes a way to control the victim.
At Brown, students may feel pressure to spend money that they don't
have in order to fit in, and an abuser may manipulate that pressure.
Economic abuse can include:
using
the victim's credit cards or meal plan
ruining
someone's credit
paying
for things the victim needs and using that to manipulate the victim
making
someone feel guilty about their financial status
Sexual
abuse in an intimate relationship can be very confusing. Because
the victim has consented to be with this person sexually, s/he may
feel that they have to agree to everything their partner wants.
In a healthy relationship, a person's sexual boundaries are always
respected.
Physical
abuse
Physical abuse can include:
hitting
or slapping
pushing,
grabbing or choking
restraining
the victim
burning
the victim
hurting
pets
damaging
the victim's property
using
weapons
In many
abusive relationships, physical abuse is not very frequent. However,
once someone has been physically abusive, the threat of it happening
again can be a powerful way to control the victim.
What
is the legal definition of domestic violence?
The legal definition of domestic violence is more limited than the
definition above. All types of abuse are very real; however, some
forms, such as emotional abuse, can be very difficult to prosecute
in a court of law. The legal definition is provided so that you
can understand the parameters of the criminal justice system as
it relates to dating violence.
Rhode
Island General Statutes define domestic violence as any of the following
crimes when committed by one family member or household member against
another or by people who are in a substantive dating relationship.
What
are warning signs of an abusive person?
This is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who abuse their
partners. The first 4 behaviors (past abuse, threats of violence,
breaking objects and any force during an argument) are almost always
seen in an abusive person. If someone exhibits more than 3 of any
of these warning signs, there is a strong potential for abuse in
the relationship. An abuser may exhibit only a few of these behaviors,
but they may be quite exaggerated.
Past
Abuse
An abuser may say, "I hit someone in the past, but she made
me do it." An abusive person who minimizes what happened with
a previous partner is likely to be violent with his/her current
partner. Abusive behavior does not just go away; long-term counseling
and a sincere desire to change are necessary.
Threats
of Violence or Abuse
Threats can involve anything that is meant to control the victim.
For example, "I'll tell your parents about your drug use if
you don't do what I want." Healthy relationships do not involve
threats, but an abusive person will try to excuse this behavior
by saying that "everybody talks like that."
Breaking
Objects
An abuser may break things, beat on tables or walls or throw objects
around or near the victim. This behavior terrorizes the victim and
can send the message that physical abuse is the next step.
Any
Force During an Argument
An abuser may use force during arguments, including holding the
victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the
room, and pushing and shoving. For example, an abuser may hold a
victim against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to
me."
Jealousy
An abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love. In reality,
jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity
and possessiveness. An abuser may question the victim about who
s/he talks to or be jealous of time spent with other people. As
the jealousy progresses, the abuser will call the victim frequently,
stop by unexpectedly or monitor the victim's activities.
Controlling
Behavior
An abuser will claim that controlling behavior is out of concern
for the victim's welfare. S/he will be angry if the victim is late
and will frequently interrogate the victim. As this behavior gets
worse, the abuser will control the victim's appearance and activities.
Quick
Involvement
An abuser will often pressure someone to make a commitment after
a very short amount of time. The abuser comes on quickly, claiming
"love at first sight," and will tell the victim flattering
things such as "You're the only person I could ever love."
Unrealistic
Expectations
The abuser is dependent on the victim for everything and expects
perfection. The victim is expected to take care of everything for
the abuser, particularly all emotional support. The abuser will
say things like, "You're the only person I need in my life."
Isolation
The abuser will attempt to diminish and destroy the victim's support
system. If a female victim has male friends, she is accused of being
a "whore." If she has female friends, she is accused of
being a "lesbian." If she is close to her family, she
is accused of being "tied to the apron strings." The abuser
will accuse people who are close to the victim of "causing
trouble."
Blames
Others for Problems
Abusers will rarely admit to the part they play in causing a problem.
S/he will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames
Others for His/Her Feelings
An abuser will tell the victim, "I hurt you because you made
me mad, " or "You're hurting me when you don't do what
I ask." Blaming the victim is a way of manipulating them and
avoiding any responsibility.
Hypersensitivity
An abuser can be easily insulted. The slightest setbacks are seen
as personal attacks. An abuser will rage about the everyday difficulties
of life as if they are injustices -- such as getting a traffic ticket
or not doing well on an exam.
Cruelty
to Animals or Children
An abuser may brutally punish animals or be insensitive to their
pain or suffering. Pets can be used to control the victim or to
emotionally abuse them.
"Playful"
Use of Force During Sex
The abuser may like to hold the victim down during sex. They may
want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.
An abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants
to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate the victim into
compliance. They may demand sex or start having sex with the victim
when s/he is sleeping or very intoxicated.
Rigid
Sex Roles
Male abusers often expect women to serve and obey them. They view
women as inferior to men and believe that a woman is not a whole
person without a relationship with a man.
Jekyll-and-Hyde
Personality
Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers, and these
behaviors are related to other traits such as hypersensitivity.
This is not always a sign of mental health problems but may be a
way of controlling the victim by being unpredictable.
Adapted
from Wilson, K.J. When Violence Begins at Home: A Comprehensive
Guide to Understanding and Ending Domestic Abuse. Alameda, CA: Hunter
House Publishers, 1997.
It's
important to know that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on
its own -- episodes of violence usually become more frequent and
more severe.
Talk
to someone you trust. It is important to break the silence.
If
you decide to leave the relationship, develop a safety plan. A
safety plan can include asking a trusted friend for help, choosing
a safe place to stay, and collecting money, emergency phone numbers
and a bag of clothes so you can leave quickly.
Seek
help from one of the resources at the end of this page. You can
ask to speak with a male or female counselor.
How
do I help a friend who's in an abusive relationship?
If
you see someone being physically abused, call 911 immediately.
In
many cases, the first step to safety is the knowledge that the
victim is not alone and that s/he is not crazy. It may help your
friend to know that many people experience abuse and that there
are resources to get help.
Be
supportive and respectful. Make clear statements about your friend's
value and rights as a person, such as "No one deserves to
be abused."
Don't
criticize the abuser. A victim often has conflicting feelings
about the abusive partner. If you're critical of the abuser, the
victim may become defensive or may shut down. Instead, you can
talk about behaviors that are negative by saying something like,
"I'm really concerned about how your partner treats you.
Nobody has the right to put someone else down."
Find
out about the resources that are available.
Learn
as much as you can about dating abuse.
Encourage
your friend to make a safety plan if they have decided to leave
the relationship. Your part in a safety plan can include walking
home together, checking in at certain times of the day, and having
a code word your friend can use if they need immediate help.
Do
not confront the abuser. This can result in an escalation of violence
against the victim.
Do
not slip a hotline card or any other information about abuse into
someone's bag or under a door. This can also escalate the violence
against the victim.
Do
not send a voicemail message or an email message about the abuse
to your friend. You do not know if the abuser is monitoring the
phone or the computer.
Be
careful for yourself. Let your friend know what you are comfortable
doing and what your boundaries are. You can also get support for
yourself from the resources below.
Psychological Services 401.863-3476
Confidential crisis support and information is available through Psychological Services' on-call system for any Brown student dealing with violence in a relationship. The on-call counselor is also available to accompany a victim to the hospital.
Office
of Student Life/Dean-on-Call 401.863-3800
Provides a crisis response system which includes deans-on-call.
Brown
Department of Public Safety 401.863-4111 (emergency response)
Emergency response available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You
may also direct any complaints to Public Safety's administrative
number, 863-3322.
Brown
Emergency Medical Services (EMS) 401.863-4111
Emergency response available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
. Sexual Assault
& Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-494-8100
If you or someone you know needs help because of a sexual assault
or an abusive relationship, call this hotline 24 hours a day. Counselor-advocates
provide confidential support and are available to accompany victims
of sexual assault to the hospital and police station. Ongoing counseling
and support groups are available. (This hotline is specific to Rhode Island. Contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE if you need help in another state.)
The
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project 1-800-832-1901
This grassroots, non-profit organization provides community education
and direct services for clients. GMDVP offers shelter, guidance
and resources to allow gay, bisexual and transgender men in crisis
to leave violent situations and relationships. Located in Cambridge,
Massachusetts.
The
Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexual Women
617-423-SAFE (Hotline in English and Spanish)
This program offers free services in English and Spanish for battered
lesbians, bisexual women and transgender folks. These services include
a hotline, emergency shelter and advocacy programs. Located in Boston,
Massachusetts.
National
Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY: 1-800-787-3224
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides anonymous crisis
intervention, information about domestic violence and referrals
to local services. The hotline advocates can answer calls in English
and Spanish and have access to translators in 139 languages.
RI
Gay & Lesbian Helpline 401.751-3322
Available Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 7pm to 10 pm.
This site has information on local domestic violence agencies, creating
a safety plan, the dynamics of dating violence and local events
and media campaigns.
This project is a grassroots, nonprofit organization providing community
education and direct services for clients. GMDVP offers shelter,
guidance, and resources to allow gay, bisexual, and transgender
men in crisis to leave violent situations and relationships.
This program offers free services for battered lesbians, bisexual
women, and transgender folks. These services include a hotline,
emergency shelter, and advocacy programs.
The Institute provides an interdisciplinary forum for research and
dialogue on family violence in the African American community. The
site includes a newsletter, bibliography, events and related links.
MSV is a social change organization dedicated to ending men's violence
against women. This program offers trainings and resources that
examine sexist belief systems, social structures, and institutional
practices that oppress women and children and dehumanize men themselves.
On this site you can find articles on why men batter, information
on how to work towards ending violence against women, and information
on MSV training dates and resource materials.
The Family Violence Prevention Fund is a national nonprofit organization
that advocates for laws to help battered women, educates judges
and provides training and support to employers and health care providers.
The End Abuse Links section has several different topics, including
teen dating violence, men and fathers, immigration issues, animal
abuse and resources in Spanish.
This bilingual website has a section called Help for Victims with
advice on how to help a friend, how to leave an abusive relationship
and information for immigrant women.
The Department of Justice publishes numerous research studies on
domestic violence and sexual assault. This site also provides resources
for victims of different kinds of crime, information on stalking
and cyberstalking and resources for parents.
Disclaimer: Health Education is part of Health Services at Brown University. Health Education maintains this site as a resource for Brown students. This site is not intended to replace consultation with your medical providers. No site can replace real conversation. Health Education offers no endorsement of and assumes no liability for the currency, accuracy, or availability of the information on the sites we link to or the care provided by the resources listed. Health Services staff are available to treat and give medical advice to Brown University students only. If you are not a Brown student, but are in need of medical assistance please call your own health care provider or in case of an emergency, dial 911. Please contact us if you have comments, questions or suggestions.
