Many
people find it very difficult to talk about their sexual health.
But discomfort and shame can keep people from taking good care of
themselves and their partners. Remember that protecting yourself
against STIs can reduce anxiety and make sex a lot more enjoyable.
What
do I do before talking to my partner about getting tested for STIs?
If you or your partner(s) have had unprotected sex, it's smart to
be tested. Some people have a difficult time bringing up the subject
of testing, so read the following suggestions before you talk about
tests with your partner(s).
Understand
what puts you at risk for STIs.
STIs are transmitted through body fluids: vaginal secretion, semen,
blood, breast milk, and saliva. A common misconception is that the
only way to get an STI is by having intercourse. This is not true!
STIs can be transmitted without having intercourse. For example,
skin-to-skin contact or genital rubbing can transmit HPV and the
herpes virus.
Assess
your own risk for STIs.
There are many reasons people get tested for STIs. Ask yourself
what has caused you to want to get tested -- are you entering a
new relationship? Have you had an unprotected sexual experience?
Did you find out that a current or former sex partner has an STI?
Your answers to these questions may help you and your medical provider
decide whether or not you need to be tested.
Talk
with your medical provider.
If you can, choose a medical provider that you are comfortable discussing
these issues with. At Health Services you can request a male or
female medical provider. You can also request a specific provider
by name. It's important to provide them with specific information
about your sexual activity so that you can get accurate medical
help. Bring a list of questions with you to make sure that all of
your questions are answered.
Find
a place to get tested.
Any student at Brown can get tested for STIs at Health Services.
Call 401.863-3953 to make an appointment. Or you can click here
to find out about STI testing options in RI.
Because
many STIs don't always have symptoms, it can be difficult to recognize
an infection at an early and easily treatable stage. So, if you
think you may have been exposed to an STI talk with your medical
provider about getting tested. To begin the conversation you might
say something like:
I'm
really embarrassed, but I'm also worried I may have an STI.
I
had unprotected sex in the last 3 months and am concerned because
I don't know if my partner has been tested.
I
had sex with someone I don't know very well and I'm worried.
How
do I talk with my partner about getting tested for STIs?
So you've done your research, you've made an appointment to get
tested, and now you want to encourage your partner to do the same.
What do you say and how do you bring it up?
First
off, you need to think about your own comfort level talking about
STIs. Do you want to talk about getting tested right at the beginning
of your relationship or do you want to wait until you become sexually
active? Do you want to ask your partner(s) if they have ever been
tested or do you want to suggest you both get tested regardless?
This is an awkward topic no matter how much research you've done.
And it's that opening question that's always the hard one. To break
the ice, you might say something like:
I
really care about you, so there's something I want both of us
to do.
We've
been dating for a while and I think we're ready to take the next
step together.
Before
we have sex, we need to talk about some things, like STIs and
contraception.
You don't
have to talk in depth about former partners or sexual experiences.
Instead you should focus on your current relationship and how getting
tested can increase trust. You and your partner(s) can choose to
get tested at the same time or you can make your own appointments
and agree to talk about the results later on. Choose the option
that is comfortable for the both of you.
If
I get an STI, do I have to tell my partner?
There are several reasons why you should tell your partner that
you have an STI. Here are a few reasons:
Telling
your partner allows them to make an informed choice. When you
tell them, you are showing respect and concern for their well
being. Your honesty can build intimacy and trust.
Telling
your partner helps prevent transmitting STIs. And, you give your
partner a shared stake in making decisions together about how
to reduce risk. If you keep your infection a secret, you might
invent lies and half-truths to postpone or avoid sex.
Telling
your partner can begin an important discussion about sexual health.
There are over 20 STIs with a range of health consequences. Your
honesty encourages your partner to share sexual history and health
information with you.
Telling
your partner can prevent future misunderstandings.
If
I test negative for an STI, am I off the hook?
Just because you test negative for STIs doesn't mean you should
stop practicing safer sex. If you are in a mutually monogamous relationship,
and you've both been tested, you and your partner need to decide
what's right for you. If you are not in a mutually monogamous relationship,
it's safer to assume there's a risk of STI exposure and to practice
safer sex. The most effective way to prevent STIs is to always use
a condom or latex barriers.
Another
concern is that STI tests like HIV can give false negative results
if you are tested too close to your exposure and your body has not
developed detectable levels of yet. During your test appointment,
your medical provider will be able to determine whether you will
need to re-test.
If
I test positive for an STI, how do I tell my partner?
It's completely normal to be afraid to tell a partner about having
an STI. It will be hard, but you've got to be as open and honest
as you can possibly be. Remind yourself that you'd want your partner
to tell you if s/he had an STI. Don't let fear keep you from being
responsible.
First,
have you come to terms yourself with having an STI? If you haven't,
then it's unrealistic to expect another person to understand. How
well informed are you? Do you know how to reduce the risk to your
partner? Do you know the facts about your infection? You want to
feel confident and knowledgeable before you can explain the infection
to someone else.
The more
you know about your STI, the more you can relieve your partner's
fears. You'll be able to tell your partner the facts, dispel any
myths, and correct any misinformation they may have about STIs.
If s/he has questions, you'll be prepared to answer most of them.
You might want to have a book or pamphlets with information about
your particular STI on hand. There are many pamphlets available
at Health Services or you can print information from this web site.
Here
are some suggestions that you could use when you decide to tell
your partner about your infection:
Pick
a time when both of you will be in reasonably good moods and relaxed
for this conversation. Choose a place with few, if any, distractions.
Your
delivery can influence their acceptance of, and reaction to, what
you say. If you're calm and collected talking about your STI,
they may be, too. If you act like it's the end of the world, they
might agree that it is.
Allow
a conversation to take place, rather than doing all of the talking
yourself.
If
you can, direct the conversation to include not only your particular
STI, but general STIs, STI prevention, and birth control. Encourage
them to ask questions, and to let you know what they're thinking
and feeling. Let them know you're concerned about them, and that
you're willing to find a way to make your relationship work, if
they are. Also, realize that you'll probably need to talk about
this more than once before things are resolved.
After
you've said what you need, be aware that you will not be able
to control their reaction. They might need time alone at first;
they might want to break up right then and there; or, they might
take the news fairly well. Whatever their reaction, know that
they have a right to their feelings and to the time needed to
sort them out.
It takes
a great deal of courage to be able to tell others about your STI,
especially a new partner. In general, people with STIs find that
with time and a better understanding of the infection, telling new
partners becomes easier. They often discover that STIs don't affect
their intimate relationships and sex lives as much as they originally
feared. If you find yourself overwhelmed with negative thoughts
about having an STI, you may find it helpful to use the links below
to find a support group or a counselor to help you work through
your feelings.
Links
you can use
For more information about STIs, you can visit:
