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Week in Review

Mind if I borrow your fajita?
Surely they’ll never outshine the weapon planting, confiscated yay-stealing, Biggie-murdering misconduct all-stars of the LAPD; still, San Francisco 5-0 is giving their SoCal brethren a run for their money. Following superior court indictments against three SFPD officers and another seven brass-level commanders the previous Friday, Chief of Police Prentice R. Sanders suspended his Assistant Chief of Police, two deputies, and three other ranking officers on Monday. After sending his naughty command staff home, Chief Sanders decided to take medical leave, which may have had something to do with his being the seventh officer accused of obstruction of justice conspiracy. The indictments mark the first time a major city’s entire police command staff has faced criminal charges since Boss Tweed fled Tammany Hall for Cuba in the 1870’s.

The trouble began when three junior officers started a street brawl back in November. Allegedly, the three off-duty officers, one of whom is the Jr. to indicted Assistant Chief Alex Fagan Sr., were at the end of a night out when they crossed paths with two men getting off work at the Blue Light bar. Apparently the cops were hungry, and allegedly demanded the fajitas one of the men was carrying. When it turned out that there weren’t enough for everyone, fisticuffs naturally ensued. Yes, we’re talking steak fajitas here, but the officers were put on unpaid leave while the ruckus was investigated.

Investigation into the alleged assaults was about as firm as Pamela Lee’s grasp of quantum physics, and District Attorney Terence Hallinan brought the cover-up before a grand jury. DA Hallinan and Mayor Brown have never been simpatico, and Brown is now accusing Hallinan of “overreacting” to the assault and ensuing cover-up and attempting to scandalize the mayor’s last year in office. The Mayor called the fajita throwdown session mere “mutual combat” and all its aftermath “absurd.”

—Ryan Vanderboosh

Get tha Dough stack
The Federal Bureau of Engraving and Printing (every country should have one) announced on Wednesday that, for the first time in modern history, Americans will get to use twenty dollar bills that aren’t green. The decision means that the United States will no longer be the only nation in the world with a currency whose bills are all the same color and size.

Though the BEP hasn’t said what color the new Jacksons will be, the unveiling is set for March 27th, with the bills entering circulation sometime in the fall. The change is supposed to help the feds stop a sharp rise in counterfeiting, sparked by a surge in computer-generated fake loot. The BEP last redesigned the currency in ’96 (remember the big-faced Bennys?) but the new features, which included color-shifting ink, a watermark and a security stripe, didn’t stop counterfeiters from passing an estimated 50 million fake bills last year. We at Week in Review think it’s about time that America got on the colored-money bandwagon, even though it means we’ll have to retool our own counterfeiting operation.

—Samuel Slaughter

Quahog!
Good news for all disciples of Family Guy! The Cartoon Network has decided to pick up the animated sitcom as part of its late night Adult Swim programming. Last year, Fox cancelled Family Guy, which was created by RISD graduate Seth MacFarlane, for daring to condone such pastimes as bestiality, statutory rape, and killing strippers.

The show takes place in the fictional Providence suburb of Quahog (fans dispute whether its meant to represent Cranston, Seekonk, or North Attleboro), and features among its characters an overweight middle-class father, a megalomaniacal infant bent on world domination, and an alcoholic dog who happens to be a Brown graduate.

Local residents were predictably excited at the decision. “My already anemic state of productivity will only be enhanced!” said an ecstatic Ryan Vanderboosh, who added that his favorite episode is the one where Ted Turner has sex with the dog.

—Samuel Slaughter

Senator Clampett Speaks Out
Senator Zell Miller, a Democrat from mountainous northern Georgia, lashed out at CBS Television in a speech on the Senate floor last week, in which he characterized the station’s proposed “hillbilly reality show: as “bigotry for big bucks.” The premise of the show, tentatively titled The Real Beverly Hillbillies, is to take a family of simple Eastern mountain folk into the ultra-hip environs of Los Angeles, and watch the madness ensue.
Senator Miller said that CBS, “once a proud and honorable broadcast company…has just become another money-grubber” and accused CEO Les Moonves of “believ[ing] that television is an ethics-free zone.”

Miller contended that a show as denigrating towards an African-American or Latino family as the proposed show is to “hillbillies” would be met with much criticism today, and that the response to the venture making fun of whites dwelling in the mountainous south should be no different.

—Peter Ian Asen

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