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Would you rather have
a necklace or justice; a dream or some substance; a French fry, some French
toast, or FREEDOM?
U.S. Rep Bob Ney (R-OH), chair of the House Administration committee,
struck a mighty blow against America’s sometime ally France by ordering
the cafeterias in the three House office buildings to rename their French
fries “Freedom Fries.” The same fate has also befallen the
popular breakfast food once known within the House walls as “French
toast.” Ney, who claims French ancestry, is apparently peeved that
the folks in the Motherland are not in support of the U.S. drive to war
against Iraq.
Ney’s action was in response to a letter circulated in recent days
by fellow House member Walter Jones (R-NC).
“Watching France’s self-serving politics of passive aggression
in this [war] effort,” Congressman Jones said in a statement on
Tuesday, “has discouraged me more than I can say. I am grateful
to Mr. Ney for standing with me today as we publicly declare our support
for our nation’s troops and our sincere disappointment in our old
friends, the French.”
The French Embassy responded to its nominal exclusion from the cafeteria
by noting that French Fries actually come from Belgium.
There is as of yet no word as to whether Reps Ney and Jones will ask patriots
to boycott Grey Goose vodka and fine French Port in the coming weeks.
To be on the safe side, Brown and RISD students are urged to stay away
from Pot Au Feu restaurant, lest they risk being fired upon with red,
white, and blue paintballs.
-Peter Ian Asen
McE-mail
In other news from the world of fast food, McDonald’s announced
Tuesday that it would begin offering internet access in ten of its Manhattan
locations on Wednesday. According to McDonald’s spokeswoman Lisa
Howard, customers will receive 1 free hour of wireless WiFi internet access
when they purchase a value meal. After the hour is up, customers will
be able to purchase an additional hour of access either by paying $3 or
simply by buying another value meal.
McDonald’s announced that its internet pilot program would expand
to a total of 100 locations in New York, Chicago, and a yet to be announced
city in California by the end of the year.
On Monday, Borders announced that it too would install WiFi access in
400 of its stores. Conveniently, customers will be able to consult Amazon.com
to see whether they can procure the book that they are thinking about
buying at Borders for a cheaper price.
-Peter Ian Asen
Osama bin Jefferson?
Eleven-term Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur (D-OH) started a firestorm last
week after she compared Al Qaeda members to participants in the American
Revolution.
“One could say that Osama bin Laden and these non-nation-state fighters
with religious purpose are very similar to those kind of atypical revolutionaries
that helped to cast off the British crown,” Kaptur told the (Toledo)
Blade in a story that was published March 6.
Ohio Republican Party chair Bob Bennett demanded that Kaptur apologize.
“To suggest any similarity between the great leaders who fought
for our nation’s independence and this insane madman is nothing
less than repugnant and an absolute disgrace to the halls of Congress
she walks every day,” Bennett said.
House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX) said he doubted Kaptur would face
criticism from members of her own party. “It seems the Democrat
leadership dons their earmuffs when it comes to insensitive and extreme
rhetoric from their friends,” Delay said.
Congresswoman Kaptur released a statement on Friday in response to the
brouhaha, charging that her comments to the Blade had been “purposefully
taken out of context.”
“My comments,” Kaptur said, “were intended to point
out that what faces us is a rising revolution being felt across re pressive
regimes of the Arab and Islamic world.” For good measure, Kaptur
added, “Terrorism in the name of revolution is never acceptable.
Ever.”
Kaptur also vowed never again to give an interview to a newspaper named
after a Wesley Snipes movie.
-Peter Ian Asen
A Rolling Stone gathers
no communists
When the Rolling Stones hit China for the first time ever next month,
it will be without four of their landmark hits. The Chinese Ministry of
Culture feels the rock legends’ set can do without songs such as
“Honky Tonk Woman,” which make sexual references. Also edited
out of the lineup are “Brown Sugar,” describing sex with a
slave, and “Beast of Burden,” which does not describe sex
with an animal. The fourth song to be bounced off both the set list and
the Chinese release of the Stones’ newest album, 40 Licks, is “Let’s
Spend the Night Together.”
A big-time band facing censorship is not without precedent. In 1967 the
Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan show playing a appreciably less racy
“Let’s Spend Some Time Together”; and it was in Moe’s
Tavern that the Red Hot Chili Peppers redrafted “What I want I got
to give it, put it in you” to “What I want is I want to hug
and kiss you.”
In China, government censorship is largeky a way of life, with restrictions
placed on such staples as religion, sex, and speech. In fact, if you’re
in China and you listen carefully, you can hear ‘em whip the dissidents.
Just around midnight.
-Ryan Vanderboosh & Sam Slaughter
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