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Please read this article.
Norwalk has gutted our writing team faster than the implosion of a Jim
Harrick basketball program–so we’re even more attention-needy
than usual. Who are we, and why should you care? Well, we’re four
guys, writing an article with one goal in mind: to suck less than the
BDH. You might say “Hey, that sounds pretty easy!” Well, if
it were, we wouldn’t be writing this disclaimer. Although we average
5’8” and couldn’t beat Grandma in shuffleboard, we’ve
got wit (or at least what passes for it in Michael Goldberger’s
opinion). We realize the cheapness of the ‘inane dialogue’
gimmick, but if it’s good enough for Bubba and Ol’ Viagra
Dole, it’s good enough for us.
Jon: Hey Nickhill,
ever heard of Roy Makaay?
Nickhill: You mean that Tucker Peck kid? Isn’t he the Prince of
Turkey?
JG: Dude, you’re a moron. Roy Makaay has 19 goals this year in Spain’s
La Liga.
NB: La what?
JG: La Liga, man. Soccer. You know, the round ball thing.
NB: Like the RISD Nads?
JG: No, no, SOCCER.
NB: Wait, is this column about soccer?? I thought it covered sports!
At this point all our readers are saying: “Dude, it covers sports??
I thought it was about Tucker Peck!” Well, sorry to burst your bubble
but this is the sports section, comprised of sports columns. Although
we love Daily Jolt phenom Tucker Peck, we thought it would be informative
to instead highlight the lack of soccer interest in the United States.
To prove our point, we recorded the following conversation in Grad Center
last week:
NB: So what the hell are you blabbing about?
JG: Dude, Roy Makaay is amazing. He currently has 19 goals in the Spanish
Premier League, a whopping six more than the next guy. That’s like
Iverson winning the scoring title at 44 points a game and Kobe coming
in second with 30.
But, I digress. Roy Makaay is not the point. What’s important is
that during every World Cup, all of you plebeians root for the U.S., and
the subsequent media hype leads me to believe that soccer has finally
caught on here. Well you know what? It’s March, and the leagues
in Europe are in full swing, and no one friggin’ cares.
NB: Boo hoo. Can I win this argument by saying you’re an idiot?
No? Okay then. The bottom line: Of course we get excited when the U.S.
does well in the World Cup, it’s just the same as when I get all
fuzzy inside when U.S. Men’s Luge team straps in and goes for gold
at the Winter Olympics. But you don’t see me poking around on www.I-Do-Luge.com,
looking for Roy Makaay’s best time.
JG: You’re not listening to me: Makaay is a soccer player, and you,
my friend, are a tool. You forget that every little Tommy and Sally in
this country plays the sport, and that soccer moms have their own niche
in American culture. But why is it that millions of kids lose interest
in the sport after they hang up their own cleats?
NB: Well, when I finished Little League, I could actually stand to watch
the Braves on TBS. So why would I want to watch the NY/NJ Metrostars?
Those guys blow and they can’t even pick a damn state? Our intramural
team is better, and we lost in the first round of the playoffs.
That said, who cares if everyone plays soccer when they’re ten.
Ten year olds would play with a ball of yarn if you took away their Ritalin.
Plus, when they get to middle school, they’ll want to play football
anyway, even if they’re only 80 lbs. Who says that a 5’4”
Indian kid can’t play football? Not including my parents, Coach
Johnson, and one very concerned rabbi, of course.
JG: Ha ha, you suck. In any case, the MLS will continue to get stronger
with our support, and until it’s finally good, you’ll need
to read up on guys like Makaay who get it done.
NB: Dude, Makaay is Dutch, and you know I can’t stand the Dutch,
with their wooden shoes and dikes. And, that Zidane guy? Yeah, he’s
probably laughing it up with that de Villepin schmuck…God, I hate
the French.
JG: You’re going to let your hatred of the French influence your
opinion of soccer?
NB: Of what?
This article was
written by Brown Student B’03.
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