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Rest in pieces
Ali Hassan al-Majid could never have claimed to be merely obeying
orders, or acting within the legitimate legal framework of the Iraqi state.
So it is almost fitting that the man known as ‘Chemical Ali’
was found dead on Monday, blown up by laser-guided missiles that hit his
house in Basra. Now the lucky guy will never have to face a War Crimes
tribunal, or have to endure the spectacle of moral culpability under the
international eye.
Lately Ali, who is
Saddam Hussein’s first cousin, had been in charge of defending southern
Iraq against coalition forces. But his true claim to fame was ordering
the 1988 gas attacks that killed an estimated 100,000 rebellious Kurds
in northern Iraq. He has also been connected to the destruction of Shiite
resistance in southern Iraq in the uprising that followed the first Gulf
War. In a video circulated and shown on several Arab TV stations shortly
after the failure of the rebellion, al-Majid can be seen kicking captured
rebels in the face as they laid on the ground, and shooting other rebels
in the head. He also ordered the execution of his two brothers and many
other family members in 1996, and had been known to drown kittens and
make cute little bunny rabbits cry.
—Alex Provan
Written on
ya kitten
West Hollywood, California, that bastion of Victorian
morality, may have started a national movement this week when its city
council voted unanimously to ban the de-clawing of cats within city limits.
The ban on feline de-clawing, known in medicine as an onychectomy, will
affect all three veterinary clinics in West Hollywood beginning 30 days
after its passage.
Jennifer Conrad,
a vet who founded the Paw Project, an animal-rights group based in Santa
Monica, said that she hoped the action might spur on movements for similar
ordinances in cities such as San Francisco and Berkeley. There’s
also a bill, supported by Paul Koretz, a state assemblyman from the Animal
Kingdom of West Hollywood, that would extend the ban statewide.1
In the real Hollywood
to the east, film magnates have begun to worry about the implications
of a larger de-clawing movement. Concerned that overzealous Paw Project
types will push for a more comprehensive ban that includes not only housecats
but larger felines as well, the Hollywood elite argue that a ban on de-clawing
lions and such would make movie sets more costly and dangerous. The possibility
that such a ban would complicate plans for a Jumanji sequel is expected
to make passage extremely difficult.
—Peter Ian Asen
Child porn
department
Regular WIR reviewer Sam Slaughter has tipped me off that the
proprietor of his second favorite soft core porn video series has been
tragically arrested. Indeed, Joseph Francis, the 30 year-old entrepreneurial
genius behind Girls Gone Wild, was arrested by Florida police last week
on racketeering charges after they found out that he had filmed several
underage topless girls bathing together in a Panama City motel room during
Spring Break festivities. The cops also alleged that Francis offered two
of the girls $50 to “play with his penis.’ How paying underage
girls to play with your penis constitutes racketeering was not immediately
apparent.
It’s comforting
to think that in a country where the minimum wage is $5.15 an hour, a
man who makes his living exploiting drunken college girls has a Lear jet.
Maybe (definitely) the cops were a little jealous, maybe they were just
doing their job. Either way, when they searched Francis’ jet they
found cocaine and evidence of personal use of ecstasy and marijuana, along
with explicit video footage of the underage girls who had alerted them
to Francis’ dastardly deeds. When asked to comment, WIR analyst
Austin Powers said: “When this jet’s a rockin’, don’t
come a knockin’ baby!”
The Girls Gone Wild
video series has made Francis about $100 million so far, which is more
money than most of us will ever see (Indy staff notwithstanding). While
it’s a shame for some of us that our jobs aren’t quite as
stimulating as his, this arrest just goes to show you that you that if
you’re gonna pay someone to play with your penis, make sure they’re
over 18.
—Alex Provan
Paid tha
cost to be tha bo$$
Everybody’s favorite non-weed smoking, LBC reppin’,
Crip-affiliated, Girls Gone Wild starring, platinum selling rapper, Snoop
Dogg, got served with a lawsuit last week over an answering machine message
used on his last album. In the message, which is used in the intro to
the song “Pimp Slapp’d,” a caller who uses the name
“Jim Bob” tells Snoop how his former label head Suge Knight
is a “bitch,” and that Knight “fucked up the industry.”
The anonymous complainant feels that when Suge hears the diss, he’ll
have Jim Bob and his elderly mother killed, or worse, force them to play
backgammon with Leelee Sobieski. The complainant accuses Snoop of infliction
of emotional distress and refers to Suge as a “burly, convicted
felon [who] is rumored to be involved with gangs, to threaten, assault
and hurt people.” Among the rumored assaults is an incident in the
early 90s where Suge dangled Vanilla Ice over a balcony until the rapper
agreed to sign over all his royalties. Here at WIR, we’ve undergone
severe emotional stress as well, and hope to God Suge never reads this
article.
—Sam Slaughter
WIR sports
Former Minnesota Twins outfielder Kirby Puckett was acquitted of sexual
misconduct following an incident in which he allegedly groped a woman
in a restaurant bathroom. The 34 year-old alleged victim, a native of
Eric Schneider’s hometown of Bloomington, Minnesota (also home to
the Mall of America), accused the portly outfielder of dragging her into
the men’s bathroom of the Redstone American Grill and then groping
her breast. Though Puckett got off (pun definitely intended), juror Lori
Ann Fryxell said the Hall-of-Fame outfielder was far from innocent. “I
do believe the truth lies somewhere between the two stories,” she
said. When informed of Puckett’s exoneration, Yale University student
and fantasy sports aficionado Joe Slaughter was relieved. “What
kind of country would this be if a professional athlete can’t grab
a titty when he wants to?” he said.
—Mike Lowery
Gangsta,
gangsta
“The issue of competency is one thing, the issue of whether
someone is or is not mentally ill is an entirely separate issue,”
explained highly ethical, bigshot New York criminal attorney Benjamin
Brafman. Ahh, don’t I know it. However, unlike certain WIR contributors,
Brafman’s client Vin Gigante, 75, was indeed competent to be tried
and sentenced for obstruction of justice while “clearly suffering
from dementia.” In a Brooklyn courtroom on Monday, the day his trial
for running the Genovese crime family would have otherwise begun, Vin
“the Chin” pleaded guilty and was awarded three bonus years
on top of his current 10-year sentence.
Seeing as how Gigante
was already in a prison (hospital) for racketeering and murder conspiracy,
U.S. attorney (and truly tender soul) Roslynn R. Mauskopf was gladdened
by the thought that, in all likelihood, federal incarceration would be
the theme of the day, every day for the rest of this disheveled, disoriented
old man’s natural life. She explained how the defendant’s
age and health problems had allowed her office to calculate the improbability
of his eventual freedom. Reckoning just how long until some Italian geezer
beefs it: so that’s what they have those interns doing! Gigante
will now return to the hospital in Fort Worth, where he has been since
2000.
In dodging the more
serious charges, the infamous mobster confessed to having faked insanity
to the tune of a seven-year delay in his racketeering trial. Since being
first investigated for an Old Tappan, New Jersey bribery charge in 1969,
Gigante became famous for muttering insanely to himself while wandering
around unkempt and in a bathrobe. Thanks to the ongoing impersonation
of any number of 23-year-old slacker-degenerate Brown kids/Family Guy-enthusiasts
directly or indirectly associated with WIR, Gigante deceived psychiatrists
and avoided prosecution for much of his career. This appears to be the
end the line for the classic mafia boss, who ascended from being indicted
for the botched shooting of Frank Costello, to being convicted of heroine
trafficking, all the way to… fibbing. Quite an ascension.
—Ryan Vanderboosh
Daaaaaaaaaaaarryl…Daaaaaaaaaarryl…
Darryl Strawberry, the coke-sniffing former Mets rightfielder,
was released from prison on Tuesday, to the delight of baseball fans and
drug traffickers everywhere. Strawberry served 11 months of an 18-month
sentence for violating probation on his 1999 arrest for cocaine possession.
In fact, not only did he violate his probation six times, but he was also
kicked out of a drug treatment facility for a series of non-drug related
infractions. Among the rules Strawberry broke while in treatment: having
sex with a female resident, smoking, signing autographs and generally
being disrespectful. Upon his release, Strawberry’s lawyer informed
the media that the outfielder and his wife would be attending marriage
counseling. He unfortunately did not speculate about Strawberry’s
return to the majors, or even his return to Mr. Burns’ softball
team. Joe Torre, the manager of the Yankees said “I just wish Darryl
the best”, while regular WIR contributor Ryan Vanderboosh gushed
“I can’t wait to write the Week in Review in three weeks when
he gets arrested again!”
—Sam Slaughter
Baghdad freed
from the oppression of a homicidal dictator
Yeah, that happened too
—Sam Slaughter
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