Breaking News: Snoop Dogg has quit smoking pot. Lord, tell us he's kidding! No! 'I've smoked enough sticky-icky-icky to keep me high for three life-times,' says the Dogg. 'I'm tryin' to stay mentally sharp, 'cause, in case you didn't know, Big Snoop Dogg is a CEO.' At least he hasn't lost his love for the pimp game. Now he's filming the sequel to his award winning Hustler porno, Doggystyle. 'It's titled Diary of a Pimp. I'm in it strictly to give pleasure to the playas, pimps, hustlas and real G's.'

I read this and time slowed down. I read this and all that I knew no longer made sense. I read this and a single tear moved from the corner of my eye, down my soft cheek, and dropped onto a picture of Nelly. Was this true? Were these words correct? Could this short article really have said what I think I read? Could Tha Doggfather really be quitting the cheeba?

A pot Snooperstar

Now before I go on, I may need to explain something to some people. A lot of people. Maybe you are someone who reads that little article and isn't sure what the big deal is. You don't think it deserves much more coverage. An article in Rolling Stone is good enough for you. What's the big deal?

Well, Patty Purelungs, I'll tell you what the big deal is. Snoop Dogg is not just your average pot-smoker. He doesn't "smoke a bowl before he goes out." He doesn't "hit a joint before the movie." He doesn't "take two bong-hits before meeting with his advisor." Snoop Dogg is not some kid with a phat piece. Snoop Dogg is not some dude in a frat with $40 eighths. Snoop Dogg is not some innocent victim of the war on drugs. Snoop Dogg is not some stoner.

Snoop Dogg is a professional pot smoker. A champion pot-smoker. A pot-smoker who every other pot-smoker strives to be like. The pinnacle of pot-smokers. Snoop Dogg smokes pot like a kiln. Snoop Dogg smokes pot like our parents used to. Snoop Dogg smokes pot like an old woman with glaucoma. Snoop Dogg smokes pot like the chillest motherfucker ever to exist on God's green earth.

He is a man who has meant more to weed than the dime-bag. A man who has done more for the blunt than our Dutch forefathers. A man who has smoked enough chronic to justify and minimize all of our habits. A man who every pot-smoker, when feeling or coming down, could listen to, look at, or imagine and know that somewhere out there in this crazy, mixed-up world, Snoop Dogg was getting high, and everything would be all right.

Snoop Dogg was in four movies in 2001. Training Day, The Wash, Bones, and Baby Boy. He smokes a blunt in each of them. That's amazing. That distinction alone garnered him top prize at the High Times Magazine Stony awards, where Snoop took home the trophy for Stoner of the Year. That's the highest a pot-smoker can get. Snoop was stoner #1.

This is bigger than some blurb in a music magazine. Bigger than two sarcastic quips and a quote. Bigger than a hit that makes you cough blood. Snoop Dogg quitting pot is like Richard Simmons quitting exercise. Snoop Dogg quitting pot is like George Foreman quitting hamburgers. Snoop Dogg quitting pot is like Denzel quitting acting. Snoop Dogg quitting pot is like the DEA quitting busting balls. It just can't ever happen.

Snoop Dogg doesn't quit pot. Snoop Dogg doesn't take a day off from pot. Snoop Dogg doesn't pass on a hit. The whole thing just doesn't make sense. If ever a man loved a flower, it was Snoop. Why then? Why would he tell these lies to Rolling Stone? As if we weren't paranoid enough, why would Snoop Dogg scare us like this?

Smoke free or die

I'll tell you why. The Man. The Man has Snoop by the collar, and there ain't nothing a dogg can do. What Rolling Stone failed to tell you was that on May 29, Snoop Dogg was sentenced to two years probation for possession of marijuana and marijuana paraphernalia. While traveling in the Puff, Puff, Pass tour, Snoop's bus was pulled over and the smell of marijuana allowed the officers to enter. From there they found pot on Mr. Dogg and felt it necessary to arrest him. Snoop's lawyer, Jay Milano, entered a plea of not guilty and explained, "Sometimes Snoop Dogg's buses have been stopped just because it's Snoop Dogg's bus. We're not sure that happened here, but if it did, then that's an issue we'd have to fight out." The lawyer's "fight," of course, evolved into a settlement, and Snoop was allowed to remain out of prison on the terms that he doesn't get into trouble for the next two years.

So what is a dog to do? Go to prison for a little pot? A martyr for marijuana? Independence or indo? No matter how revered a pimp Snoop would be in prison, he still doesn't want to end up anyone's bitch. Plus, no dog likes cages-this one especially. So, the way I see it, Snoop was left with two choices. One: quit smoking pot and become another soul crushed under the pressure of the man. Or two: tell some big fat lie about how he's quitting pot so the cops will stop sniffing his butt, while he lights a giant blunt in the backseat of his Cadillac Snoop Deville. Did you really think he'd roll down the street with only his gin and juice?

Bullshit. Snoop didn't quit. Mentally sharp? Was that the excuse he gave? I'm sure he's laughing about that one already. Snoop's got a booming rap career, a ballooning acting career, and, apparently, a blossoming porn career. If that's dull, I'm not jabbing it into my neck. In any case, I don't think sharpness has ever been Snoop's forte. I don't even think he speaks our language. It's fairly safe to say that Snoop's always made his kibbles and bits off smoothness, not sharpness.

Plus, I bet he has accountants. Being a CEO must take a lot of math. I don't think Snoop wants to do all those calculations. He has more important things to worry about. Lines to memorize. Rhymes to spit. Hos to please. I doubt he's portioning out time in between giving pleasure to the playas, pimps, hustlas, and G's to figure out his payroll.

In fact, it really doesn't seem like becoming a CEO or smoking pot has slowed down Snoop in any way. Four movies last year, a CD released this summer, a soon-to-be released Girls Gone Wild: DoggyStyle, a cameo alongside Kermit the Frog in the upcoming A Very Muppet Christmas Movie, and the pressure of a much-anticipated sophomore pornography effort. Jesus, let the man smoke some weed. The man needs to smoke some weed.

End the war on Snoop

If Snoop can't smoke pot, something's not rizzy. If Snoop can't smoke pot, something's not fizzy. If Snoop can't smoke pot, something makes absolutely no sense. Who should be able to tell this man, this cultural icon, this Godfather of all things cool, that he can't get high? Who should tell this dog he can't bark? Who would steal his bite? Pot and Snoop are inseparable. Snoop is the voice of pot; pot is the blood of Snoop. Just the thought of Snoop being unable to smoke makes me want to. Why don't you just tell him he can't rap? Or act? Or live? Why must the man domesticate this Dogg? Let Snoop run wild. Let him smoke a bone. Let him be.

I'm not crazy enough to say let everyone smoke. God, no. If that were to happen, who knows? We could have world peace. But I am crazy enough to say let Snoop smoke. There's no harm in that. Everyone else getting high, be careful. But Snoop, you've got nothing to worry about. Others chilling out, watch out. Snoop? Well, that's just fine.

If Snoop really quit smoking pot (which, of course, he didn't), good for him. I wish him the happiest of not-high times. I'm sure they'll be super. He was great as a pot-smoker and I'm sure he'll be even better as a porn-star CEO. But, however, if he didn't really quit, that should be OK too. He's not harming anyone that way either. As long as he hasn't barked at your guests, stolen your slippers, or pooped in your backyard, why should anyone roll up a newspaper and slap him with it? Snoop should be able to do what Snoop wants to do, because Snoop hasn't done anything wrong. And, whatever he does do, I'm sure we'll all smoke a big joint and love it.