From the Editors

End of the World: The Ever-elusive Checkmate

By EJN

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Cover by Caroline Hu
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Spain's peninsular geography is such that, when Eurasia sticks its metaphorical neck out, it's the Iberian Peninsula that's facing off against the United States. With political plate tectonics in mind, it was the one-year anniversary of the March 11 terrorist attacks that brought world leaders to Madrid for the Summit on Democracy, Terrorism and Security, an international anti-terrorism conference. But there was more at play in Madrid last week: former world chess champion Gary Kasparov also traveled to Spain to announce his retirement from chess to fight for democracy.

Kasparov stayed in the game for two decades to become the most prominent representative of the chess world and is widely heralded as one of the top chess players ever. His best known defeat was in 1997, against IBM supercomputer Deep Blue, which he vindicated in 2003 by reaching a 3-3 draw with Deep Junior. So it came as a shock that, after competing at the Linares Chess Tournament on Thursday, Kasparov, 41, declared he was retiring from competitive chess.

"I did everything that I could in chess, even more," Kasparov said in a statement released in conjunction with his announcement. "Now I intend to use my intellect and strategic thinking in Russian politics." Through his political group, Committee 2008: Free Choice, Kasparov hopes to prevent Russia's President Vladimir Putin from staying in the Kremlin after 2008.

As a contributing editor at the Wall Street Journal, Kasparov wrote in early February of the mounting trouble in Russian politics. "This is not a plea for help, but a warning about what we're going to have to deal with soon," he concluded. "The patience of the Russian people is wearing thin. With whom will the West side in this coming battle, the Russian people or the KGB?" This offensive was aimed at Bush, who has aligned himself with Putin, a fellow defender of freedom and fighter of terrorism, despite the leader's fascistic tendencies and increasing criticism of the policies of "the West," from nuclear armament to the Ukrainian elections.

The same day Kasparov formally assumed his new role as a full-time critic of Putin, whom he has called the head of a "dictatorship," the Summit on Democracy came to a close. The response to terrorism presented at the summit was a distinct alternative to Bush's campaigns in the Middle East, focusing on international cooperation and preventive measures. Spaniards also criticized the Patriot Act, boasting of their country's ability to uphold human rights throughout their efforts to capture the March 11 terrorists. Martin Varsavsky, an Argentine entrepreneur who helped organize the summit, explained that Europe fights "terrorism with the rules of law enforcement, while the United States fights terrorism with the rules of war."

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan addressed the summit's closing session by supporting the "Madrid Agenda," a comprehensive treaty banning terrorism. In support of the plan, Annan asserted, "I believe this proposal has clear moral force, and I strongly urge world leaders to unite behind it."

International leaders in Spain last week devised strategic moves toward fighting terrorism and sowing the seeds of democracy across the fertile soil of the global community. But it is doubtful that any anti-terrorist statement-even one backed by the UN, which hasn't even been able to mitigate the ongoing genocide in Darfur-will produce significant progress in the fight against terrorism any time soon. It's just as unlikely that Putin and his cronies will let themselves get played like a game of chess. But both are smarter moves than occupying Iraq. The statements emanating from Madrid resembled Kasparov's tactics: they were attempts to formulate a coherent strategy against the abstract forces of evil, offering an alternative to the bellicose policies of the United States. In other words, the moves in Madrid were made trying to see the whole board.

The ever-elusive checkmate may be far off for the global community represented by Kasparov and Annan, but the week's statements were made with the capturing the real opposition's king in mind. Which is more than can be said for the US, where the administration is playing like a confident novice, one who knows the rules of the game but lacks the strategy to win the match. They are moving around the board, swiping pawns left and right. But all our so-called strategic thinking and moral force combined has come up with a no-win war and congressional hearings to decide if Jose Canseco shot himself in the ass. Check.

EJN

Ephemera

I am the monster from Storsjen. I understand you, you soon-to-be graduates of this fair-to-middling Ivy league institution. Yes, yes.I know what it's like to be third-tier, to play second fiddle to other lake monsters-Nessie, Champ.you know the score. But we're all lake monsters, man.we're all fucking lake monsters now.

As If You Care

From a 'Media Note' recently sent to the Indy from the Bureau of Consular Affairs, co-signed by Condoleeezzzza "Condi" Rice:

"As the time approaches for spring or summer breaks, many college students are getting ready for that much anticipated trip abroad. Most will have a safe and enjoyable adventure, but for some the trip will become a nightmare. A number of vacations are ruined by one or more of the following: drugs, alcohol, disorderly behavior, and preventable accidents."

Listen, Condi: Fuck you. We know what's going on. We've seen Brokedown Palace, Midnight Express, Shanghai Noon and all that other State Department-sponsored Orientalist agitprop bullshit. Shitfuckers.

"I am asking for your help in publicizing to young Americans the Department of State's message on the dangers they may encounter abroad.In some countries, the water sports industry is not carefully regulated. It is crucial that young Americans remember that prudent behavior may help to minimize risks."

Fuck you, trick. We're David Bowie's Young Americans, not yours: all we want is jet skis, ping-pong shows and well-worn titties. If we have to waterski out of this Jesus-freak theocracy to score some decent speedballs-you know better than us what a speedball is, trick-we'll hop the first pickup truck to the border and fight our way across.

What? You don't know about hip hop? Listen: "Slow money is even money, and no money is a beating, honey." Fuck the UN. Fuck the World Bank. Michael Bolton and Teen Wolf ain't got shit on us. We're getting wild, Condi. And we don't let cheap tricks get high off our supply.

Besides, the only place we're going over break is Long Island City, Queens. Vacation? Fuck that noise. We're marketing crack to white people

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