Hotter than Hell on Wheels

click to see spread full-size (PDF)
Illustration by Rhoda Perdition
design by alice shay

By Hard Hearted Hannah

FINALLY, A CONTACT SPORT I CAN PLAY IN A MINISKIRT AND MAKE-UP! Roller derby is the best sport-no, the best thing, ever invented. A year ago, I'd never heard of roller derby; now I'm dedicated for life (or at least until I break my leg or lose my teeth...well, I could still skate without teeth...). What does it mean to be a derby girl? Twice a week I carpool to Taunton's Silver City Skateland with a dozen girls who make up my team, The Mob Squad, to skate so hard that my legs will hardly hold me up after two hours of practice. The Excercist (our coach) gets out her riding crop and runs us through falling drills and Suicides (a sprinting and stopping drill). Before scrimmaging, we play Blood and Thunder, a blocking drill, the object of which is to be the last girl standing. Within seconds of the whistle, skaters are yelling, body checking, skidding out on corners, tumbling over each other and sliding across the floor. After a few rounds we're flushed, grinning and ready to rumble.

The Rules Of Engagement

The Providence Roller Derby league emerged as part of a nationwide revival of a sport that has been around, in various forms, since the '30s. In its latest incarnation, roller derby is part sport and part performance. We take the game seriously, but capitalize on any opportunity to put on a good show-complete with costumes, stage-names and illegal blocks.

The rules of roller derby haven't changed much over the years. A game (or bout) has two twenty minute halves, each of which is made up of jams that last approximately two minutes. There are five girls from each team on the track: a pivot, three blockers and a jammer. The blockers and pivots form a pack halfway down the straightaway and the jammers (who are identified by a star velcroed to their helmet) start behind them at the end of the curve. To start the jam, the ref blows one whistle for the pack to start and then another for the jammers to start. The jammers score points for their team by passing opponents in the pack, so their teammates try to help them pass and their opponents try to block them. The jammers race around the track and whenever they meet the pack, chaos breaks out. Though deliberate tripping and grabbing are illegal, elbowing (below the shoulders) and body checking are encouraged. The final points of penalties and positions aren't worth getting into until you've seen the game, but the gist of it is ten girls thrashing around on roller skates.

We Do It Diy

When we first started scrimmaging, we wasted a lot of time between jams politely deferring to each other, "Oh, do you want to jam...it's ok, I'll sit out, you can be back blocker...which position do you like...no, really, it's ok, I don't mind if you don't want to be pivot...." But as our first public bout approaches, we're working to streamline our line-up, and play up the on-rink drama. We've replaced the automatic "Sorry!" when knocking someone over with "Take that, bitch!" Brawls break out a few times a night.

Between bouts and on the ride home we talk about everything from diatribes on childbearing to plans for cross-country bicycle trips and ideas for new tattoos. But on the rink, we talk trash and rough each other up. Derby girls are badass babes: sexy and dangerous, cute but tough as nails. We are nice girls who don't take shit. The more I get to know about the girls, the better friends we become-and the more we want to pound on each other!

We're still learning the intricacies of the sport (some of us are still learning to skate), but what we may lack in brawn we make up in style. I've been checking out the competition, looking at derby websites from across the country, and Providence is hands down the hottest league. Our DIY uniforms blow the competition out of the water (or rather, off the rink). The Mob Squad purchased a bolt of gray pinstripe fabric from which each girl crafted an outfit to suit her persona. Sarah Doom's simple jumper reveals a peek of her peach bloomers when she crouches into sprinting position. Dolly Rocket wears sporty a jumpsuit with red piping. Green ribbon laces up the front of Rhoda Perdition's vest, and gothic lettering and shamrocks ornament the back. The other Providence area team, the Sakonnet River Rats, have a sleazy sort of Mad Max post-apocalyptic theme. They black out their teeth with make-up and adorn themselves in neon green t-shirts, yak fur, customized denim jackets sparkling with metal studs. Practice attire, while not matching, is no less theatrical. As we strap on our crash pads, it's typical to see the Godmother reapplying her lipstick using Dasilva Bullet's chrome helmet as a mirror, or Switchblade Sally pulling off her jeans to reveal ripped tights and striped knee socks.

Getting The Wheels Rolling

In august, Rhoda Perdition, a petite girl with green glitter--encrusted eyes and shiny combat boots approached me at the RISD Block Party. "You want to join roller derby," she commanded. And she was right. At the time, I was only vaguely aware of the sport's existence. Rumors of its revival circulated in Seattle, where I worked last my summer. I'd heard of leagues in Texas and Arizona, but I'd never seen it played. I knew it involved a bunch of girls going fast on roller skates, the possibility of injury, and probably knee socks and short shorts. But what sold me was the promise of a stage name and a cute costume.

I keep a busy schedule, and as school picked up, my commitment to roller derby waned until I saw the sport in action. The league took a road trip to Queens to see the New York's Gotham Girls-the Brooklyn Bombshells and Manhattan Mayhem-play their first bout. It was like burlesque on wheels! It had everything good: roller skates, going fast, on-rink alter-egos, adorable outfits, and beating people up in the name of sportsmanship! During halftime, two rock 'n' roll bands played (on skates!) and the cheerleaders went across the street to get hot dogs and beer. We cheered for both teams as they went careening around the rink, elbowing, shoving, and tumbling into each other. By the time the bout was over I'd resolved to do whatever it took to get Providence's league off the ground and become a star jammer.

When Sarah Doom moved east to work on her PhD in microbiology at Harvard after a brief stint as a derby girl in Arizona, she started the league in Providence and began recruiting. By the time I joined up with Rhoda Perdition, the nascent league of half a dozen girls had been holding rough-and-tumble practices at a dilapidated outdoor hockey rink and showing up uninvited to 'under thirteen night' at United Skates. When the autumn set in, outdoor skating wasn't an option. For several weeks practice consisted of meeting in front of AS220 hoping someone with a car would show up to drive, that they wouldn't hassle us about being over thirteen at the rink and then-if we were lucky-skating in circles, trying not to trip over little kids having their birthday parties. Sensing that we weren't so welcome at United Skates after being asked to leave because our attire was "distracting," we started looking for a rink where we could rent private time and start scrimmaging.

In the meantime, we worked on publicity and fundraising. When we finally found a rink that would welcome us, we'd had more photo shoots than practices. We'd thrown a party, put out a calendar, and made front page of the Providence Phoenix, but I still had no idea how to play the sport. Now, with our first public bout fast approaching, regular practices at our home rink and weekly press coverage from the likes of Fox News, we remember our humble beginnings with fondness. I joined derby because it sounded like a fun hobby. Now I've invested in speed skates, a full set of pads, a mouth guard, a helmet, and several pairs of fishnets (not only stylish, but practical for preventing rink burn and keeping my feet from slipping around in my skates). I limp around between derby days showing off my bruises and bragging about injuries, submit myself to daily push-ups and sit-ups, and run, swim or bike to stay in shape. I organize my week (and my wardrobe) around derby. I get giddy and start babbling almost nonsensically when asked about the sport. It's everything I love all wrapped up into one thing!

Roller Derby bring May Day mayhem to Providence on May 1 at the Kennedy Plaza Skating Center. The bout starts at 3 p.m., tickets are $5 Halftime features bands on wheels

HARD HEARTED HANNAH RISD'06 rolls with the punches

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