Once Upon a Time in the Mangroves

Gertrude Stein Dies in the Swamp of Late Capitalism

by katrina lencek-inagaki

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illustration by Kara Harvill
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It happened in the Mangroves.

The Mangroves of Muhystoria.

I was eight and

Kind of fat.

A lot of kids make up storys, they tell tall tales (which are really lies) to get attention becuze their parents don't love them or becuze they are freak losers with no friends. But Louella and Ted love me a lot and I'm wildly popular at skool and this really happened to me last summer. Cross my heart, I got proof but then I dropped my TYCO-DLUXE86 camera in the quickswamp.

This is how it was:

June, the summer I am eight, Louella and Ted deside I am old enuf for Camp Jeanne D'Arc. I've still got my baby fat and they're all twisted in knots about it. Got to send the fat baby to Merrill, NY for weight-loss, riflery and puddle-jumping. The promotional laser-disc is pretty sweet, and I'm kinda looking forward to the NRA Program, so things are good. I buy a bunch of light blue polo shirts, three pairs of white shorts and some navy TYR bathing suits for the dress code. Rosita helps me pack my trunk. The night before I leave, I am so worryd I can't sleep so I take inventory of my knapsack:

Reporter's Notebook (1)

  • Crumpulled Wrigley's gum wrappers (2)
  • Loose sand.
  • Cherry Chapstick (1)
  • Flashlight (1)
  • Raisinets for the car ride. (1)
  • Canteen of water
  • Walkman w/Cassete
  • TYCO-DLUXE86 camera (1)

In the morning, Rosita makes me chocolate chip pancakes while Louella and Ted lectur me on proper social etikit among girls my age. I listen politely but am distracted. The cat is eating a croissant under the table. When they finish their lectur, they dissapear and when they come back into the salle à mahnge-a they are carrying a long wooden box with a gold wax seal on it. I find the wax seal to be partikularly impressive.

Louella says, "We are so proud of you,"

Ted says, "So we bought you this," and holds out the box.

Now I'm a bit scared becuze my folks aren't very good at picking gifts and once they bought me this dwarf mouse with beedy red eyes and a nasty disposishun that bit me all the time. But they must have smartened up though becuze inside the box... well inside the box is basically the sweetest adjustabul nylon Adventure Belt I have ever seen. Holey moley rolley stolley no tagbacks cool. Some one mustave tipped them off. Flashlight holder, treasure pouch, Infinity glow sticks, deluxe Mini Links, brass signal whistle, pocket compass, and creature cabin with oxygin holes. It is a litul tight but that is OK. I vow to wear it evryday. Louella crys. Ted pats my hed. It is time.

I climb into the hired white Eskalayd and am off. Louella, Ted and Rosita shrink into black speks. When I cannot see them anymor I take off my Air Maxes, curl up and go to sleep. I dreem I am in an underwater elevator. When I wake up, the sun is setting and the shadows of the trees on the car make me nauseaus. I do not reckognize the seenery.

"Driver, sir?" I ask, very politly.

He does not turn around. He has a big bald hed and fat rolls on his nek. I try agin.

"Driver?"

This time he turns and I see his face. The face of a velosoraptor! The bald velosoraptor smiles at me but he has no teeth, only gums. Durty rotting gums and one baby tooth. I want to punch his ugly face in so I do. The car swurves. I am flying and evry thing goes black. I do not know what happuned during this blackout but when I opin my eyes the baby-toothed velosoraptor is ded on the steering wheel and I am upside down. I right myself and skuweeze out of the Eskalayd window.

SQWUPLISH!!! I land in something warm and wet that smells of turtul poop. I feel water squish between my toes. Shalow pooles of murkey water stretch as far as the eye can see. At first I think I am in a marsh but then I see all the gigundous trees with roots twice as big as me and I think I must be in the Tundra. I reach for my knapsack. The sun has set, the air is thick and I have a very bad feeling about this. I must orient myself and prepare for the nite ahed. I kno I cannot stay in the crushd car with the ded bodie becuze predators can smell blood and this is a land of predators I can already tel.

I cunsult my compass and hed due South, the oppozit directshun from Jeanne D'Arc, the directshun I hope will take me home. I trudg thru the muck for hours. Small insects cling to my wet legs and my hed feels itchy. I am trying not to drink too much of my canteen water so I am terribly thursty. The moon lites my way.

A rusle. I stop in my tracks and lisen. More rusling. It is coming from above, somewear in the trees. Silence. I crouch down. THEN, a horifik sound like a squealing baby, a gust of air and a blinding white lite. A giant creature is befor me. It has the big body of a magnificent white unicorn but the litul hed of a Chinease baby. It is wearing a party hat. It also has magnificent wings of pastel rainbow fethurs. I here it speak deep in my head.

"0001010010101001010101" it says, "11100101010101110010101001010100101."

Its wings beat gently. The anemal is beautifull but I deetest chuldrin. Even Chinease chuldrin and disabled chuldrin.

"0101010100001.

I am the Huizlopatchli, the Sun King.
Beware of the Childlike Emperor, for he has lost the Way.
Find the Wonder.
Return it to the castle or our people will wither and you along with us shall die.
Find the Wonder and you will return home.
But beware...beware."

Tho I am bewildured, I find myself noding. The kreature begins to fade a way.

I cry out, "Wait Huizlopatchli, would you pleese tel me where I am, sir?"

"1000010100.........You are in the Mangroves of Muhystoria....Muhystoriaaaaaa..."

And then it is gone.

When I try to stand, I canot feel my legs and I am curieosly sleepy. On the ground where the anemul was I find a tiny fortune cookie. I put this in my treasure pouch. I do not know what the Wonder is or how to find it but I know I will need my sturength. I have red Julie of the Wolves. I eat sum raisenets, cover myself in brush and go to sleep. I clutch my Adventure Belt to my cheast all nite. There mite be theeves.

I dreem I am flowting on a raft thru a strange kave of roots. A litul wikid boy in funy shorts tels me his name is Huklebery and when I wake up my Mikul Jackson Cassete is missing. Litul theefe! This wood not be so horibul if I did not woke up on the raft in the Mangrove Kave, witch I did. The raft flowts thru the kave and I notice moving figures on eithur side of me. At furst I see pepul in an Afrikan village. I can tel they are very happy becuze sum are smiling and one is dansing to drum music. I take sum picutres with my TYCO-DLUXE86 camera. The raft flowts on and I see white men in hats leading black pepul onto a bote. The white men have very nice guns, the kind pepul don't make anymor. One black man is bleeding and the black women are nekid, screeming and crying. I take more picturs. The raft keeps flowting. Very very skinee black pepul in a field looking very very tired. I throw the fortune cooky to a skinee old man but it hits him on the hed and shaturs. The man is a robot.

Sudinly I feel very alone. Last year I wood have cried but I am to old now so I hurl my flashlight aginst the old man robot insted. He falls into the Mangrove Kave water. Stoopid robot history of slaves. They are probobly stolin robots anyway.

"Please don't hurt my friends," a soft voice pleeds. I do not see any body.

"Who's there?" I ask very politly while looking arounde.

No answer. Then, a splash and a litul face peking up frum the water. Huklebery. I shood have known.

"Hiya," he says shyly.

"You are a theefe," I tel to the floating hed.

"You are a theefe," he says back to me, very seriosly.

"What did I steel?" I ask very cleverly (I did not steel anything).

"What did I steel? What did I steel?" He giguls, then whispurs sadley, "You stole it all, fan."

Huklebery. The Childlike Emperor. It al becums very cleer. I give my whistle a long hard blow and here it ecko behind me. The exit must be ahed.

"I'm sorry Hukle but I can't stay," I showt as I dive into the water and swim a way. My knapsack is waterproof, so this is no problem. I sidestroke for myles. Finaly I emerge frum the kave. I am in a beautiful pool surrounded by flouring trees and singing birds. A butterflie lands on my nose for a momint. I can smell flowers and huney. I have eskaped the Childlike Emperor, but where is the Wonder? When will I be abull to go home? I am playgued with questshuns.

I only kno that I must find the Wonder and I must do it befor I starve to deth.

Katrina Lencek-Inagaki B'08 seeks M w/ GSOH, a TYR bathing suit and a social conscience.

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