Week In Review

PENGUINS AT LOW PRICES!

By Cristi Laquer

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Illustration by Alyssa Xu
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Cute, Cuddly, And Christian

Fundamentalist Christians are taking this summer's most heart-warming movie literally. March of the Penguins, a documentary about the 70-mile journey of emperor penguins to their mating grounds and their struggle to find mates and raise their young, has, to many, turned into a parable about monogamy, intelligent design, and child-rearing in modern times.

After becoming a surprise hit at American box offices, the film is set to make its British debut, and Britain's Times Online reports that Director Luc Jacquet feels that some Christian pundits have "willfully misread his film" to inject their beliefs and morality. Conservative American film critic Michael Medved said on his radio program that the film "most passionately affirms traditional norms like monogamy, sacrifice and child rearing." While maintaining that penguins adhere to the institutions of marriage and divorce, Jacquet spurned the Christian interpretation, telling The Times "If you want an example of monogamy, penguins are not a good choice. The divorce rate in emperor penguins is 80 to 90 per cent each year."

Some supporters of the theory of intelligent design, which holds that life is too complex to have arisen through natural selection, see March of the Penguins as an adorable parable. Andrew Coffin, writing for World magazine, a Christian publication, expects that parents will tell children about the one true explanation of the film's magic. "It's sad that acknowledgment of a creator is absent in the examination of such strange and wonderful animals," he writes, "but it is a gap easily filled by family discussion after the film." Jacquet, a documentary filmmaker who had not released a film in cinemas before March, responded to laymen commentators: "I am a scientist. The intelligent design theory is a step back to the thinking of 300 years ago. My film is not supposed to be interpreted in this way. Some scientists I know find the film interesting because it can be a good argument against intelligent design. People should not jump on these bandwagons."

Film, director, and run-away viewers all seem to agree on the fact that penguins have many cognitive traits that to which humans rightfully relate. So how will Jacquet respond to those who feel that the penguins clearly espouse Buddhism?

I'm Not Soft, Your Drunkware Is!

150 Floridians accused of drunk driving have sparked a debate about the rights and responsibilities of software companies. They are demanding that courts allow them to examine the coded components of the INTOXILYZER 5000, the device that police used to pronounce them over the legal limit.

According to Florida courts, the class-action defendants, whose lawyer is challenging the accuracy of the INTOXILYZER 5000, have the right to independently examine the INTOXILYZER 5000. CMI, the company that produces the INTOXILYZER 5000, has submitted to the court's request in part, but has refused to reveal its source code, claiming that the programming behind the INTOXILYZER 5000 is a trade secret.

Robert Harrison, the lawyer representing the defendants, told vunet.com, a technology news website, that, while the INTOXILYZER 5000 was approved for use in Florida in 1993, the manufacturer has since made many changes which were never certified.

Pamphlets advertising the INTOXILYZER 5000 claim that the INTOXILYZER 5000 is the "standard for accuracy, reliability and courtroom evidence." Questions about the accuracy of the INTOXILYZER 5000 and CMI's unwillingness to release its source code might lead to appeals in many future DUI cases and create a backlog in legal systems where the INTOXILYZER 5000 is used. Many states and nations rely on the accuracy of the INTOXILYZER 5000 when convicting drunk drivers.

The consequences of the decision are important in these arenas, but may not be as far-reaching as open-source supporters hope. The decision would not require CMI to make its code public, but simply to submit it to the examination of the defendants and the court. Harrison told vunet.com, "The question is whether the difference [between these programs used by the INTOXILYZER 5000] is material or not. Without seeing the source code [in the INTOXILYZER 5000], we do not know."

Dump That Metro, Get With An Über

The ad executive who started it all for metrosexuals, Marian Salzman, has divined the latest paradigm of masculinity. Exit left, over-groomers; center stage will soon be occupied by over-winners. übersexuals, who according to Salzman, are "confident, masculine and stylish, and committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life," are now officially destined to become the hottest thing with a pair of testes.

For those who need quasi-real examples from the realm of celebrity, this means that Jude Law, Orlando Bloom and David Beckham, "whose good looks can be seen as slightly womanly," according to the UK's Guardian Unlimited, will be replaced on next-gen dorm room walls by "George Clooney, Donald Trump, Pierce Brosnan and Bill Clinton, who are fashionable and wear tasteful clothes, but are unashamedly masculine," or are notorious womanizers, whichever Salzman says we prefer.

Salzman is the co-author of a new book, The Future of Men, in which she either chronicles or dictates the future of a new chapter with whom you might want to sleep. She claims that maleness, ever vigilant for things to hit, has struck back against feminine-style values, and that where metrosexuals were concerned with superficial and personal issues such as appearance and lifestyle, Übersexuals will be more active and substantive, with passions for real-world problems, politics, and for some reason, cigars.

While Rush Limbaugh has claimed membership in the new sexual elite saying, "This is what men were before feminism came and neutered them," the male stereotype most associated with the pundit is still embarrassingly unmasculine. According to Salzman in The Future of Men, "übersexuals do not give into the stereotypes that give guys a bad name, such as disrespect towards women, emotional emptiness, ignorance of anything outside sports, beer and burgers." Despite this Copernican shift in marketing, men should keep in mind that two-thirds of their newly-desired identity will still be "sexual."

Week in Wal-Mart

Rolling Back Gowns

Two Wal-Mart locations, along with Solantic, a walk-in health care chain from Jacksonville, have made plans to open doctor's offices in two Florida stores. According to the Associated Press, Solantic claims that the convenient, walk-in offices will allow those who rarely visit doctors to make more frequent visits, without having to use emergency rooms. The company plans to test this business model in Florida, and if it is successful, to expand to other Wal-Marts nationally.

The "doc-in-the-boxes" will be open during the same hours as Wal-Mart stores - including weekends and holidays, and each office will have a board-certified physician on duty. Patients can walk-in without appointments, and Wal-Mart retail areas will now serve as gigantic waiting rooms; customers can choose to be alerted by page or by cell phone when the doctor will see them.

Attention, Unholy Customers

All but 22 Wal-Mart stores (that leaves 2,428) have pharmacy counters. According to ReligiousTolerance.org, these pharmacies are the only source of prescription medication for many rural customers. Since 1999, the company, the nation's fifth-largest provider of prescription medications, has not carried Preven, the morning-after birth control pill, depriving these customers of access to it.

Many critics of Wal-Mart claim that this is not a business, but a religious decision. An article in Christianity Today quoted executive Don Soderquist at a prayer breakfast stating, "The basis of our decision was the values of Scripture." The same article claimed that Wal-Mart's decision to cover the suggestive covers of magazines such as Cosmopolitan and not to carry "lad mags," like Maxim, was a result of pressure from the Timothy Plan, the country's largest evangelical mutual fund group.

Wal-Mart pharmacists are instructed to refer prescriptions to which they have "an objection" to other pharmacies. Conspiracy theories are partially debunked by the fact that the company does stock standard varieties of birth control pills, which are identical to Preven except in dosage. For undisclosed reasons, Wal-Mart still refuses to stock Preven.

Something Money Can't Buy

Wal-Mart heiress Elizabeth Paige Laurie returned her degree from the University of Southern California this week, after a former roommate alleged that Laurie paid her $20,000 to do her homework, according to the Associated Press.

The university released a statement in late September saying, "Paige Laurie voluntarily has surrendered her degree and returned her diploma to the university. She is not a graduate of USC. This concludes the university's review of the allegations concerning Ms. Laurie." Though the allegations began circulating last November, the story was not widely reported until Elena Martinez, the roommate in question, repeated her story in a 20/20 interview. She also stated that she dropped out of USC because she couldn't afford the tuition, and that she learned a lot from doing Laurie's homework.

Laurie, who formerly held a bachelor's degree in communications from USC, is the granddaughter of Wal-Mart co-founder Bud Walton. The University of Missouri changed the name of an arena named after the heiress when it first heard of the allegations last year. The building had been dubbed the Paige Sports Arena when Paige Laurie's billionaire parents, Bill and Nancy Laurie, donated $25 million to the University of Missouri for its construction.

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