Gentlemen, Lend Me Your Lungs!

A Step by Step Interactive Guide to the Virtuous Vice of Power Smoking

BY MICHAEL HERNANDEZ-STERN

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Huzzah! The fall has arrived, and fashion is in full form. From satin scarves to big-buckled boots, College Hill fashionistas are buttoning down and dressing up accordingly. But how does one fit into those flesh-tight tops and bottoms without either starving to death or getting tank-top-ripping chiseled? While seasonal garb may come and go, one accessory is sure to draw attention perennially and to keep you looking Elle Magazine blasé about fitness. No, not the post-post-ironic (and fantastically fat-obscuring) Ugg boot or the salacious pink pair of hot-pants—the Power Smoke.

Now, my ever-so-dear reader, you must be asking yourself one of two questions: one, how do I start, and two, what in The Great Creator's name is he talking about? To answer both questions with one very leading answer, Power Smoking is the art and science of Cigarobics (Pufflates to the West Hollywood crowd). In just a few short minutes, you'll be trading in those loose-fit Levi's for some skin-tight Sevens. But before you run off and use your newfound personal hand-torches to keep Jack Frost at bay and keep Jack across the hall in rapture, let me give you, my reader extraordinaire, an exclusive primer on how to get in shape.

FEEL THE BURN

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Like all other professionally accredited and certified calisthenic techniques, Power Smoking requires both a strong constitution and rigorous stretching of the appropriate muscles. First and foremost, before rushing into any exercise, take a deep breath. Perfect. If you can exhale without coughing, proceed directly to the core workout. For those seasoned, tried-and-true practitioners, continue inhaling and exhaling with gusto until you feel truly impassioned to take your commitment to the next level. Power Smoking is not for those with weak constitutions or who are unable to trade some good ol' fashioned pain for some sadistically sexy gain. Now, oh exalted Power Smoking acolyte, we are ready to start the high-intensity segment of our routine.

As a wise man once said, "man cannot live by bread alone," and as it is widely interpreted, this hints rather overtly towards an overbearingly regulated tobacco-based exercise regimen. Power Smoking can be divided into two groups: machine-based training and high rep/low resistance workouts. Each method concentrates on nurturing the Romulus and Remus of Power Smoking, which are speed and consistency. These yin and yang pillars of Power Smoking cannot be overlooked, and the dangers of omitting either one are innumerable—as long as innumerable signifies a number greater than the amount of cigarettes on hand. But before we lose ourselves in jargon and metaphysical arguments involving the differing levels of meta-Power Smoking versus those of meta-meta-Power Smoking, let us proceed with the simpler of the two instructions: mechanically-aided Power Smoking.

As you may have guessed, the machines that we use for what we call "assisted training" are complementary to many other types of exercise, such as running, cycling, stepping, or other perversions of pure, honest Power Smoking. Our first piece of equipment is familiar to anyone who has tried to shed pounds or bury their emotions: the "treadmill 2.0" (due to pending litigation, the "run-and-smoke-stack" name and logo will be retired henceforth). We have come so far from the 'stone age' of Power Smoking, which involved complicated mini-techniques to keep cigarettes lit in the elements and to prevent passersby from forcefully "passing the torch," all so that newcomers can focus on the burn in their muscles and lungs instead of burns in their shirts and aforementioned hot-pants. Begin by mounting the machine, but do not start running quite yet. Wait until the training stick has a substantially lit cherry and can be verified as a viable tool by a trained coach or licensed trainer. Proceed to jog at a comfortable pace (most have to start at a brisk walk to prevent symptoms of "passing-out-on-a-moving-platform") while taking deep drags and exhaling in concentrated streams; if it helps, try to envision yourself as a locomotive at full power, spewing forth thick, steamy by-produced detritus and chugging along with austerity. Continue doing so until black and neon spots appear in peripheral vision or until light-headed feelings subside and are replaced by extreme nausea and stomach pain. Remember the mantra of yore: no pain, no gain! Thanks to the scientifically engineered effectiveness of this machine (and because most Power-Smokers cannot stand unaided after proper usage), this concludes the vast majority of healthy, effective Power Smoking routines. By focusing on building tolerance to the secondary effects of the treadmill 2.0, even the "weekend warrior" Power Smoker can sprint an inhuman three-minute mile with effervescent ease.

LIGHT THE FIRE WITHIN AND WITHOUT

This brings us to the real test of a power-smoker: his mental strength in the face of physical adversity. Like the decathletes in the Olympiads of antiquity (Flo-Jo, Dan & Dave, etc.), those bold few who push their bodies to the limit for personal glory will always be seen as the maniacal, self-engrossed glory seekers that they purported not to be. This must be your mantra if you are to master the final element of Power Smoking. Start by walking over to the intense smoking section of the gymnasium/bath-house/library. Pick up the heaviest set of weights that you can find. Don't worry about the stares or remarks from the androgynous body-builders that flank you: remember, they have no testicles/ovaries left after all of those power shakes, chemical oil latherings and roid fixes. Begin squatting incredibly forcefully, just as if you were in a Moroccan prison outhouse and desperately needed to escape. Only unfiltered cigarettes will do at this point, so you may as well intimidate those around you with superior technique and flair; take the filters off of the dirtiest French cigarettes you can smuggle by ripping them apart with your teeth and swallowing the cotton and paper whole—for the protein, of course. Continue squatting and smoking, making sure that the guttural noises that you make convince everyone within a 1 kilometer radius of how "f'n hardcore" you are. Once you have finished the grimy pack of carcinoma-pops, drop the weights, stand as straight as you possibly can and douse yourself with a bottle of gin. Only gin will do, for only gin will remove the "eau de jockstrap" that emanates from your pores—and as you already may know, gin is also synonymous with awesome.

GO FORTH AND SPREAD YOUR SEED

Unlike all other exercise regimes, Power Smoking makes no quotas or imposing directives on diet. Go ahead, TRY to finish that chicken Carberry. Try adding Menthols to the mix. Not only do they add variety and flavor, but they also give you an unfair advantage over your average "Joe Runner"; much like the natural pheromones emitted by your body, the jarring scent of burning leaves and crackling fiberglass will force members of both sexes to make a beeline towards your gracious honey pot or seductively low-slung branch. Power Smoking is guaranteed to get you ready for your day in the morning and keep you going until you pass out from nicotine poisoning at night. Facts don't lie: laboratory testing has proven that Power Smoking is 700 percent sexier than gym-shorts, sweat-pants, and showering combined. Our clients range from "almost-bearable-to-glance-at" Kirstie Alley to "oh-my-god-is-she-eating" Lindsay Lohan, with happy mediums like "she-so-got-gastric-bypass" Carnie Wilson sprinkled throughout.

If the pounds don't just fly off of your well-singed flesh, try using Nicoderm patches and chewing Nicorette while sleeping. If all else fails, start praying to the gods of Earth and Sky, for they and they alone control the sun and rain which ensure that the cash-crop-of-our-lives keeps growing and that their lobbyists in Washington grow in number accordingly. Start throwing blood, chewing tobacco and the newest issue of InStyle into a blender and consuming the concoction before and after every episode of "Best Week Ever" that mentions Britney's newer, bigger butt or Carson Daly's ever-expanding waistline. At first gander, Power Smoking may sound like an extreme and life-warping experience, but always remember: it's always better to be the aloof, arrogant, violent and insensitive skinny kid than the funny and sincere fatty-fat-ass.

MICHAEL HERNANDEZ-STERN B'07 can quit anytime he wants.

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