WATCHING ANIMALS SCREW AT THE ZOO

BY CHLOE MALLE

DESIGN BY DANIELA POSTIGO

THE EMO ADOLESCENT

As summer approaches, young female

porcupines become nervous and ex-

cited, eagerly anticipating their few

hours of fertility per year. Soon they

stop eating and begin moping, sticking

close by the males like lovesick teenag-

ers at Camp Winadu refusing to eat

their s’mores. While Lucy is sulking

by his side, Ricky begins to serenade

her rather loudly with various mating

calls. When he is ready to seal the deal,

he propositions the female, who reacts

very aggressively if not ready, objecting

vocally, biting and hitting the assail-

ing prickler with her paws like a spiky

Mike Tyson. If she is in the mood, they

both rear up and face each other, belly

to belly. The male then sprays his lady

with a tremendous stream of urine

from up to seven feet away, soaking

his loved one from head to foot. The

spines and quills of both relax and be-

come flat, and the male enters from be-

hind. Mating continues until the male

is worn out. Every time he tries to stop,

the female wants to continue—and can

THE OL’ MAKEOUT-

AND-VOMIT

White-fronted Parrots, native to Mex-

ico and Central America, are believed

to be the only species besides humans

to kiss. Before actually mating, male

and female parrots will lock their beaks

and gently flick their tongues together.

If kissing is satisfying for both parties,

the male boldly takes the next step, re-

gurgitating his food into his girlfriend’s

mouth—obviously, to show his love.

THE GOLDEN-SHOWER

BOY

Hippos have their own form of wa-

tersports. Male Nile Hippopotamuses

square off at territorial boundaries to

mark their stomping grounds. They

turn back to back and shower each

other in urine and feces, then use

their wide, paddling tails like a por-

table misting fan, spreading the muck

around. This dashing act attracts lovers

and gets a female hot enough to start

messing around.

CROSSING SWORDS

Scientists at the University of New

South Wales discovered a species of

flatworm that display an unusual mat-

ing process they call “penis fencing.”

These hermaphroditic worms deter-

mine who will lay the eggs by battling,

swashbuckling with their penises like

legless Zorros. The first one to stab the

other with his penis keeps his honor

but loses his sperm, injecting the loser

with his tadpoles.

On Valentine’s Day in the heart of New York’s Central Park, “Jungle Love” ceases

to be merely a mating call for Steve Miller buffoons; it’s the name of the Central Park Zoo’s an- nual adult entertainment show, headlined by a gang of horny baboons. On February 14, zoos across the country are tearing a page out of Larry Flynt’s book and discovering that sex really does sell. Grabbing onto Hallmark’s penguinic coattails, zoos will charge guests a prix fixe of up to $80 for an evening of bestial adult entertainment, food and drink included.

Conceived 20 years ago at the San Fran-

cisco Zoo by former penguin keeper Jane

Tollini, “Woo at the Zoo” has taken off like

a squid in heat, inspiring a host of similar

programs. The latest sightseeing trend, ani-

mal sex tourism, is built for two—not such a

Lonely Planet anymore. And just as for con-

ventional attractions, every city has its own

branding. “Woo at the Zoo” is a three-hour

adult-only guided tour replete with cham-

pagne and chocolate for the fair fee of $60.

Tampa’s Lowry Park Zoo begins its third an-

nual “Wild at Heart” tour near the South

American aviary and ends with a candlelit

dinner. The Honolulu Zoo, which uses its

“Love Gone Wild” Valentine’s Day event as a

fundraiser for conservation, pulls out all the

stops, serenading guests not only with mat-

ing crickets but the Honolulu Jazz Quartet, a

traditional Hawaiian dinner and not-so-tra-

ditional Hawaiian martini bar catered under

the stars.

The brilliant combination of champagne

and candlelight with hippos and their aphro-

disiacal excretions was a cash cow waiting to

happen. The idea was hatched one morning

when Jane Tollini spied a penguin courtship

ritual culminating in what she described to

the San Jose Mercury News as “bowling pins

making love.” “The keepers get there early

and we see things that other people don’t

see,” Tollini explained to the Independent. So,

she figured, why not allow other voyeurs the

pleasure and set the ritual to Johnny Mathis

tunes—the makeout soundtrack of her gen-

eration? Her bosses were turned on by the

idea and a zoo tradition was born.

Kama Zootra

Despite the delightful variety of these animal

sex tours from zoo to zoo, several characteris-

tics remain constant. For instance, the adult-

only label is taken seriously; guests must pres-

ent a state driver’s license or alternate form of identification to prove they are at least 21.

Another unifying trait, perhaps shocking

to us stale corner-bistro-on-Valentine’s-day

types, is that these events are always, without

exception, sold out from advance reserva-

tion. “This is one of the most popular pro-

grams that the zoo has to offer, going into

its 19th year,” San Francisco Zoo spokesman

Paul Garcia told the Independent.

Depending on the zoo and its specific resi-

dents, the tours will vary from place to place;

however, most include an educational ele-

ment to make the voyeuristic events’ peep-

ing Tom element a bit less, well, creepy. Tour

guides, all holding degrees in either Biology

or Zoology, will educate “Wild at Heart”

guests with a 90-minute multimedia pre-

sentation offering a scientific look at animal

reproductive practices, including courtship

rituals and quirky procreation habits. Other

presentations explain how species maintain

their populations and how the zoos assist in-

mates in the reproductive process.

Such an event even exists in Providence’s

own Roger Williams Zoo. And, true to its

namesake, the zoo spreads a message of toler-

ance, advertising its February 16 “Love is in

the Air” event to couples and singles alike,

unlike other zoos that host couples-only

tours. For $30 per person or $55 per couple,

“Love is in the Air” promises dinner, a stroll-

ing violinist and animal encounters. Festive

attire is recommended.

They walted all night by your door

Sex tours inspired by this idea have become

so successful that even aquariums are jump-

ing on board. The New York Aquarium in

Brooklyn launched its first annual “Sex in

the Sea” Valentine’s Day singles mixer in

2004, capitalizing literally on the plenty- more-fish-in-the-sea idiom. The aquarium

invites singles to nosh on cheese and wine

while learning about the asexual—yet sexy—

reproductive methods of sea anemones.

Like all dangerous liaisons, wooing at the

zoo has its detractors. At a Honolulu City

Council meeting, animal rights advocate

Cathy Goeggel called “Love Gone Wild”

“swarmy” and expressed concern that it conflicted with the philosophical aims of the city’s Zoological Society. The immense

popularity of the event has effectively si-

lenced Goeggel, but there is also the logis-

tical problem of mating schedules. Most

animals reserve their mating practices for the

daytime hours, but to avoid conflicting with

normal schedules, most zoos’ Valentine’s Day events must be slated for Valentine’s

Night. The shows must begin after dark;

it’s impossible to host an adults-only event

during traditional zoo day hours when field

trips are coming in and kindergartners are

swarming, and besides, there is an increased

romance factor in watching the explosion of

liters—yes, liters—of elephant semen under

the opal glow of moonlight. 

Jane Tollini is adamant when clarifying

that “Woo at the Zoo” and other tours like it

are not a sex-on-stage show. “The first thing

I say to people on the tour is, ‘If you came

to watch animals doing it, then you should

get out of the truck and go home and do it

yourself.’” She explains that since the incep-

tion of her “Sex Tours”—the name has since

been changed to reflect the San Francisco

Zoo’s family values—she never advertised it

as an animal sex show. “It’s not like you can

go and say, ‘Up, Rhino, up.’ Sometimes with

smaller tours we bump into animals who

are doing it, but it certainly isn’t because of

us. The thing is, if you explain to people in

enough detail—how big, how much, how

many, how long—with a little imagination,

you got it.”

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CHLOE MALLE B’08 is your sexasaurus.