Hello, my fine stinking American friends. I am Helmut Kohl, previous chancellor of Germany, and current archivist for the Brown Jug. You ask, in your impetuous way, how I came to become archivist of this fine magazine. I will make you understand why.

The German people would say, "Helmut, you are a superficial and supercillious leader." "Thank you," I would say. "Super everything is me!" But then they would say, "But you need to loosen up! Why not crack the funny jokes, like the Jug writers do?" I had no reply, for I was not super-funny, like the ones who write this magazine in their laughishly girlfriendless way. "But at least Helmut was scoring," I would say. And then I would show them my wallet-sized photos of me and Mrs. Kohl doing acts which we europeans consider perfectly acceptable to show in public. And which, I might add, those Jug boys never did!

But then I got to thinking, after I finished my term, that I should become super-funny. So here I am, studying the Jug as its archivist. I am your guide to the mountain of funny that has been produced over the past 80 years of Jugginess!