Will Carter: How long have you been my girlfriend?
Voluptuous Blonde: Ever since I laid eyes on you in that bar. You were with some other ladies, some kind of female entourage, but I knew the second I saw you that I would someday be yours.
Wc: But I didn’t see you for a week after that. What happened?
Vb: Well, I went home and immediately took a cold shower. I called a couple of my girlfriends up, and when I told them who you were, they couldn’t believe that I didn’t approach you, which made me feel like I was worth nothing.
Wc: And you should have felt like you were worth nothing. Allow me to probe more deeply and ask you why you felt like you were nothing.
Vb: Let’s have sex after the interview.
Wc: Okay.
Vb: Anyway, I felt that way because I realized that I may have passed up an opportunity to talk to you, get to know you, etc. With that on my mind, I couldn’t bear the thought of living, until I realized that you were probably just making me up in your mind because you’re such a pathetic bastard, and you don’t even have a girlfriend, let alone one who is a voluptuous blonde.
Wc: Ouch. I guess my next question is, how many times per week do you have fantasies about me‹that is, when you are not acting them out?
Vb: Well, I can tell you that this interview is turning me on.
Wc: Really?
Vb: Yes.
Wc: Really?
Vb: No.
Wc: Damn. Wait, let’s try that again. Really?
Vb: Of course, silly! You know there’s nothing more in this world that I crave than your finely toned, chiseled body.
Wc: Wow, I didn’t know you felt that way.
Vb: Yes.... I can imagine myself now underneath a waterfall, the water drenching my shirt as I emerge from the pool at its base, my clothes soaking wet as I look for someone to help me dry off. And now I see you with your ruggedly handsome looks, sweat dripping from your brow like you just finished a hard day’s work. I’m so wet, Will. Come dry me off? ...
Wc: Man, I had no idea my imagination was so cliché-ridden, so hackneyed and tired like a blistering hot sun cooling the sins of youth and the fiery ice people.
Vb: What are you talking about? Why am I here? Who are you?
Wc: You’re here because you’re my girlfriend who I am interviewing and who I am going out with, and who I am definitely NOT conjuring up from my imagination. Now, back to the questions. How did you manage to find me again?
Vb: Well, we went to the same prep school, remember? I was a petite, shy girl with devilish red hair, and you were the star quarterback. Or was it point guard? It must have been both. I was the star cheerleader. And all we ever wanted to do was get it on!!! But anyway, we were--
Wc: No, you seem to have forgotten. You are a voluptuous blonde.
Vb: Hey, I can’t help it if I change according to your Will.
Wc: Dammit, girlfriend, you’re ruining my interview. Please stop saying that you’re an illusion I created.
Vb: I am an illusion you created.
Wc: If so, then you keep saying I fabricated you because I want you to say that in a pathetic attempt to be funny and hilarious.
Vb: Exactly.
Wc: This isn’t working.
Vb: Exactly.
Wc: Okay, so I guess this--
Vb: I’m pregnant, Will.
Wc: Oh, that’s wonderful.
Vb: Will, I’m pregnant.
Wc: Okay, listen, this is just a halluc--
Vb: I want to break up. All you ever want to do is bring those kids from your community service group back to your dorm room so you can molest them.
Wc: I don’t want to talk about this.
Vb: See ya later!
Wc: Bye.