1983

Costume was superman. At nursery school, kids ask if I have special powers. “Of course I have special powers,” I told them. “I’m superman. Duh.” A kid punched me and made me eat paint.

1986

Went trick-or-treating with school friends. Friends were dressed as characters from T.V., G.I. Joe and He-Man, for example. I was a scarecrow and I got the crap beat out of me. A kid dressed as Mr. T hit me with an egg. Told me “that’s what scarecrows get.” I suppose then it’s understandable, I guess. Scarecrows get eggs.

1987

Tried Uncle Ted’s proven technique of “One House: Fifteen Costumes.” Regrettably, I chose Bobby Jackhammer’s house. Learned what it’s like to get the crap beaten out of me in fifteen different costumes. (Painful.)

1989

Costume this year was “effeminate ballerina.” My mistake.

1990

Was “Frankenstein.” Couldn’t think of any reason why a Frankenstein costume would get me into trouble. Apparently, “Frankenstein” was the name of the doctor, and I was actually dressed up as “Frankenstein’s monster.” Apparently that warrants a moderate beating, and my bookbag gets covered with spraypaint. Well, I know for next time.

1991

Costume this year was “effeminate ballerina.” Really, have to read old journals. Very important.

1992

Party at Bobby Jackhammer’s house. Dressed normally and said that my costume was ’serial rapist.’ “They look just like everybody else.” Party-goers pummel me with a rare self-righteousness; cover bookbag with red spraypaint.

1993

Costume from 8 to 9:15 PM: Mummy.
Costume from 9:15 to 12: Mummy who is crying.

1995

Halloween again. Time for some more beatings and eggs. Costume this year was “guy who got mercilessly dumped by his girlfriend, right before Halloween.” C’mon guys, not the face.