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Both Calvin Coolidge and Charles Lindbergh were undoubtedly among the towering figures of the 1920s; but until now, no historian had ever tried to definitively link them. Today, the discovery of a graphic personal correspondence between Silent Cal and Lucky Lindy sheds a new pastel light on their relationship and role in history.
May 22, 1927
Dear Mr. Lindbergh,
My deepest congratulations on your recent daring solo flight across the Atlantic. You bring great pride to both yourself and your country. To think that when we were in grade school, I always assumed you’d grow to be a miserably drunken failure and maybe fly across Canada. Good work.
Here’s a little anecdote I thought you¹d find amusing. I met a young lady yesterday who told me, “President Coolidge, my friends bet me I couldn’t get more than two words out of you. ” And I said to her, “You lose. ” Ha ha! Get it? “You lose”? Ha ha ha ha! Stupid bitch.
Very sincerely,
Calvin Coolidge
President of the United States
May 31, 1927
Dear Cal,
Yeah, that “Atlantic” thing was pretty awesome, huh? I’ll probably be able to coast the rest of my worthless life on that on one goddamn flight! And Paris was pretty damn nice, too, Cal. You ever been? Man, those French broads are so horny for a trans-Atlantic solo flyer! I got so much ass, man, I thought by the end of the week my dick would fall off. Ha! Man, that would suck.
Man, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I never learned to fly! It’s true! I promised some German immigrant a nickel an hour if he’d fly me over the Atlantic, then I stuffed him in the back when it was landing time! ŒCourse, I never paid him. I mean, a nickel an hour for 33 hours, that’s like, eighty-five cents! Hey, $25,000 prize or no $25,000 prize, “Lindy” Lindbergh doesn¹t waste a buck. Not when there’s all these hot hookers around!
Chuck ”Lucky Lindy” Lindbergh
P.S. That German immigrant guy, Hauptmann, keeps bugging me for the eighty-five cents. I hear you’re a big shot, Cal. Can you do something to get him off my back, like pass some law outlawing German immigrants?
June 27, 1927
Dear Mr. Lindbergh,
I am pleased to hear you enjoyed your stay in Paris. I have indeed been there, for, as I am sure you recall, I currently hold the position of President of the United States, which requires my involvement with the heads of various foreign nations, including France. I also must admit that French women are extremely hot. I, too, take an interest in adultery now and then, and find it a highly relaxing diversion. A tip for future trysts, Charles: you will find the experiences even more exhilarating if you perform them in front of your wife. A digression from traditional practices, I know, but once a week I have Vice President Charles G. Dawes bring some nubile young thing back to the White House where I copulate violently with her, right in front of Grace, and it does me no end of good. Let the bitch watch, Charles. Let the bitch watch.
Here’s a little anecdote you might a trifle intriguing. The other day a young lady came up to me and said, “President Coolidge, my friends bet me I couldn’t get more than two words out of you.” So I said “Nice try, loser.” Clever, yes.
Very sincerely,
Calvin Coolidge
President of the United States
P.S. I passed an anti-immigration bill in 1924, but that was mostly to oppress the Japanese, not the Germans. Sorry.
August 9, 1927
Dear Cal,
Last night I was hanging at the Jackal with my buddies Al “Scarface” Capone, Ralph “Bottles” Capone, Jake “Greasy Thumb” Guzik, and Vinnie “Amoebic Dysentery” Fabrizzi. Al and the boys are “olive oil salesmen”, wink wink. I¹m thinking maybe Al can take care of that Hauptmann guy I told you about last time. He showed up at my house last night and wouldn’t go away ’till I told him I¹d give him a buck for renovating the master bedroom. When he finished I punted him out the window, but dammit, he only broke twelve bones! What do they make these German immigrants out of, anyway? Iron? Are they making them out of iron? Maybe Al can show him a little of that “St. Louis spirit”, wink wink.
Anyway, the place was a total fuck festival, man. You shoulda been there. I was going at it with three girls at once! Looking back, I don’t even know how that’s possible. Although the one behind me sounded strangely like Jake “Greasy Thumb” Guzik. Tell your wife I had a great time with her at the “bridge party”, wink wink.
Chuck “P” Lindbergh
P.S. Congrats on getting that job in the pork futures market. I hear that shit’s doing great.
September 12, 1927
Dear Mr. Lindbergh,
I feel compelled to remind you that I am not a pork futures broker. I am the President of the United States. That is why I sign all of my letters “President of the United States” and not “pork futures broker.” Tell your enterprising olive oil friends that I wish them the best; it is their kind of rugged entrepreneurship that makes America work.
Here’s a little anecdote you might enjoy. Last week a young lady came up to me and said, “President Coolidge, my friends bet me I couldn¹t get more than two words out of you.” And I punched her in the mouth.
Very sincerely,
Calvin Coolidge
President of the United States
P.S. Grace says to tell you she’ll see you “at the ’bake sale’ next Tuesday, wink wink.” I think she has something in her eye.
January 23, 1928
Dear Cal,
Hey, man! Way to go with the whole job thing. When did that happen? You must be pretty damn proud! I didn’t even know you liked interior decorating.
Well, the little bastard’s at it again. Bruno Hauptmann knocked on my door last night, begging and whining about starving children or something. So I tell him alright, I¹ll pay him the money and another fifty cents if he performs open-heart surgery on my mother. So he does, and that’s when I almost manage to take his head off with my trusty 12-gauge, but he manages to get away, the rascal. It’s freeloaders like that creep that¹re ruining America, Cal. I’m gonna write to somebody in government about it.
I slept with my wife last night. Wasn¹t much fun. But then I found this hedonistic flapper chick and fucked the ass out of her. That was great.
Chuck “The Chuckinator” Lindbergh
P.S. I’m thinking of redoing my living room. Wanna take the job? I’ll give you five bucks for it.
February 4, 1928
Dear Mr. Lindbergh,
You are without a doubt the greatest idiot I have ever encountered in my entire life. I am not an interior decorator. I am the President of the United States of America, the greatest country on earth. So go fly a kite. And bite me.
Here’s a little anecdote that might bring you a smile. Last Monday a young lady came up to me and said, “President Coolidge, my friends bet me I couldn¹t get more than two words out of you.” We talked for hours.
Very sincerely,
Calvin Coolidge
President of the United States
February 29, 1932
Dear Cal,
Well, I’m in deep shit with the missus when she gets home. I was just playing a harmless little game of “Juggle the Baby” and the weirdest damn thing you ever heard of happened. Babies these days are wimps, Cal. Hell, when I was two you could’ve dropped me off a roof and I would’ve bounced back and yelled for more.
Anyway, if I play my cards right, I think I can take care of this whole mess and get rid of that whiney little immigrant guy, too. I tell ya, Cal, God just loves me. Oh, and I¹m having sex with a hot chick as I write this.
Chuck “The Trojan Horse” Lindbergh
P.S. Someone just told me you were the President! Way to go! You gotta tell me this stuff, buddy!
January 4, 1933
Dear Mr. Lindbergh,
I am no longer the President of the United States. I have not been the President of the United States for four years. I am now penniless and dying of exposure in a gutter, as I lost all of my wealth when the bottom dropped out of the pork futures market in ’29. I am collecting my mail from the mailbox of an elderly woman who liked the anti-Japanese bill I passed in 1924. I am drunk and frozen and I will probably be dead by morning.
I have no anecdotes. No young woman will spare me change, much less speak to me.
Very sincerely,
Calvin Coolidge
Destitute Wretch
June 28, 1936
Dear Cal,
I was just in Germany. Man! Germany’s got hot sluts, too! You ever been to Germany, pal?
Chuck “Der Fuhrer” Lindbergh Fuhrer
P.S. Know who I’m starting to like? Nazis.
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