| |
Illegal Substances In A Time Of
PROHIBITION
by Adam Zeidel In the 1920s there was massive economic collapse, suicide, depression, old people, and lots of other great comedic material. Also in the 1920s there were words. This piece is made up of words, just like the 1920s. I’m not too sure about this one, but they probably also had pretty lame attempts to fit a magazine article into a theme in the 1920s, just like the one you’re reading right now. So, with the basis of this being a 1920s themed piece now fully established, here goes....
You know what I’m sick and tired of is nice, well-meaning people getting taken advantage of because of their niceness in this, a time of prohibition. Look at LT. Once a great linebacker for the New York Giants and always a nice guy, LT constantly has to deal with the problems that go along with his uncontrollable motivation to make others happy. Take, for example, LT’s latest arrest for buying and possessing crack. According to LT’s account, he was all ready to go to bed for the night after dancing the Charleston and making the first ever trans-Atlantic phone call, when some undercover drug agent came knocking at his door late at night, harassing him to buy crack. Doing what most other people would do in such a circumstance--politely saying “no thank you, I don’t want any crack tonight”--certainly must have crossed LT’s mind. However, being the philanthropic former linebacker that he is, LT decided that to get some peace and quiet from his adoring, drug dealing fans, and to help out an obviously desperate and misguided drug dealer late at night, he would appease the man by buying some of his crack. Obviously, this set of events turned sour when the undercover agent took advantage of LT’s well-intended efforts and surprised him by saying “Crack is bad, you are under arrest”. Where have the days gone when a good guy and great player like LT can buy a little crack, kill a few hookers, cause a massive stock market crash in 1929, and have it all overlooked because of an incredible 40 yard dash time? I mean what would you rather see eliminated from our society - crack or great athletes? I’ll tell you what those Commie bastards over in Russia would rather see locked up in prison--the American athletes that whip their ass in the Olympics every four years. I mean, hey, LT may have been a captain of industry who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, but who am I to deny him his G-d given right to smoke crack and invent the radio. It’s just like prohibition! And in 1925, when LT wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol or smoke crack, what do you think he did? That’s right. He drank, smoked crack, and ran for President under the assumed name of Herbert Hoover anyway. And was America better off?!?!! Well, I don’t really know, but hey, at least LT got his crack, right? All I can say is that I don’t want to live in a country where a great athlete isn’t able to buy crack and be a lawyer in the scopes trial. G-d Bless America and G-d Bless the 1920’s.
|
|
