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 You
work hard so you can play hard. You give
it a hundred and fifteen percent, first
time, every time. You smell bad but you
don’t seem to care that much. And you need
an energy bar that fits your active lifestyle.
You need Jefferson Bar.
In
his 83 years, Thomas Jefferson accomplished
quite a bit; writing the Declaration of
Independence, being the United States minister
of France, inventing cool crap. You just
exercise a lot. But when you rip into a
Jefferson Bar, Thomas Jefferson will personally
come to your gym in bar form, spotting your
military press, electing you Vice President
under Adams, and helping you marry widow
Martha Wayles Skelton. Jefferson Bar is
the only nutritionary bar made with Jefferson.
It’s specially designed to give you the
Jeffersonian energy you need to usurp the
competition. With the power of Jefferson
Bar, you’ll be “Movin’ On Up” before you
can say “inalienable.”
Quick
story. Last summer I went into a so-called
health foods store with a mission. “Whaddaya
got without carbohydrates?” I says to the
lady. “What?” she says. “You know. Carbos,”
I says to her. So she says, “Nothing...maybe
water. That’s it.” Good story, right?
But
that’s all it is. A story. Most energy
bars are just filler. They weigh you down
with false promises of individual liberty
and quadriceps. Unlike those other energy
bars, Jefferson Bar is based on the clinically
proven 40-30-50 advanced nutrition system:
40% of Jefferbar’s calories come from protein,
30% come from dietary fat, and 50% come
from Thomas Jefferson. Think of all those illegitimate
slave kids running around Monticello: shouldn’t
you have some Jefferson in you, too?
Let’s
answer some commonly asked questions about
Jefferson Bar:
Q: Okay, Jefferson, he was a great
president, right? But when it comes to physical
strength, wasn’t he kind of wimpy? Wasn’t
he referred to as President Wimpyfferson?
Shouldn’t I be eating a Hamilton bar?
A: You can eat whatever you want.
But Jefferson Bar comes in six power-packed
flavors including Honey Mocha, Stinky Parchment
Papaya, and Tobacco Tobacco.
Q:
I just bought a Jefferson Bar from my local
health store. It didn’t taste like “Eighteenth
century liberalism in a bar.” It tasted
like plywood! I think you are making these
Jefferson Bars out of plywood.
A: Please stop asking these questions,
you’re ruining the ad.
Q:
I’m kinda low on cash these days. Can I
eat only Jefferson Bars?
A: Yes. Have a Jefferson Bar for
lunch, breakfast, and dinner. You can survive
on Jefferbars. You can survive on only Jefferson
Bars for up to 20 days! Then you will die
from massive anabolic gynecomastia.
Thomas Jefferson once said: “The secret
to true liberty lies behind bars. Buy a
Jefferson Bar today!” Good advice, Jeff.
Jefferson BarTM
The Anti-federalist of bars
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