Research
estimates that 25% to 33% of LGBT relationships are abusive (the
same percentage as in straight relationships). Abusive LGBT relationships
have the same dynamics of power and control as straight relationships,
but frequently go undetected and unreported. Because of this, abuse
in LGBT relationships can seem like a hidden problem. Attitudes
like "women don't hurt each other" or "a fight between
two men is a fair fight" can keep people from recognizing abuse.
Some abusers threaten to "out" the victim to parents,
friends or employers. A victim may be afraid to get help, worried
that the police and counseling services will be homophobic and insensitive.
This page provides LGBT resources and links for survivors and information
on how to help a friend. Follow this link for more information on
dating violence.
Are
there differences in the type of dating violence experienced in
opposite-sex vs. same-sex relationships?
Dating violence is always the responsibility of the abuser, regardless
of the gender of the abuser or the type of relationship. But individuals
in same-sex relationships have additional barriers when it comes
to finding support and resources including:
Very
limited services exist specifically for lesbians and gay men.
When
lesbians and gay men report abuse to a therapist, police officer
or medical provider, they often feel that the abuse is not taken
seriously.
Homophobia
in society denies the reality of lesbian and gay men's lives,
including the existence of lesbian and gay relationships, let
alone abusive ones. When abuse exists, attitudes often range from
"who cares?" to "these relationships are generally
unstable or unhealthy."
Shelters
for abused women may not be sensitive to same-sex abuse (because
shelters are open to all women, a lesbian victim may be afraid
that her abuser will get access to the shelter). Abused gay men
have even fewer places to turn for help.
In
lesbian and gay relationships, there may be additional fears of
losing the relationship, because it confirms one's sexual orientation;
fears of not being believed about the abuse and fears of losing
friends and support within the lesbian/gay communities.
It's
important to know that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on
its own -- episodes of violence usually become more frequent and
more severe.
Talk
to someone you trust. It is important to break the silence.
If
you decide to leave the relationship, develop a safety plan. A
safety plan can include asking a trusted friend for help, choosing
a safe place to stay, and collecting money, emergency phone numbers
and a bag of clothes so you can leave quickly.
Seek
help from one of the resources at the end of this page. You can
ask to speak with a male or female counselor who is knowledgeable
about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay friendly. A lesbian or
gay male counselor may help you address the abuse with more comfort
and focus.
Stop
using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional),
including threats and intimidation.
Accept
responsibility for your behavior. Remember that the use of violence
is a choice and you can choose to change that behavior.
Do
not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your
abusive behavior.
Seek
professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable
about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive. A lesbian or
gay male counselor may help you address abuse with more comfort
and focus.
Alcohol,
drug use or mental health problems may make abusive situations
worse but they are not excuses for abusive behavior.
Click
here
for help with alcohol or drug problems and here
for information on Psychological Services.
How
can I help a friend who's in an abusive relationship?
Many people in abusive relationships will turn to a trusted friend
first. Here are some ways you can offer support:
Your
friend's first step to safety could be the knowledge that s/he
is not alone and that s/he is not crazy. Let your friend know
that many people experience abuse and that there are resources
where s/he can get help.
Be
supportive and respectful. Make clear statements about your friend's
value and rights as a person, such as "No one deserves to
be abused."
Don't
criticize the abuser. A victim often has conflicting feelings
about the abusive partner. If you're critical the victim may become
defensive or shut down. Instead, talk about negative behaviors
by saying something like, "I'm really concerned about how
your partner treats you. Nobody has the right to put someone else
down."
Learn
as much as you can about dating abuse. Use the resources below
to find out about what help is available in the queer community.
Encourage
your friend to make a safety plan if they have decided to leave
the relationship. Your part in a safety plan can include walking
home together, checking in at certain times of the day, and having
a code word your friend can use if they need immediate help.
Do
not confront the abuser. This can result in an escalation of violence
against the victim.
Do
not slip a referral card or any other information about abuse
into someone's bag or under a door. If the abuser finds this,
it can also escalate the violence against the victim.
Do
not send a voicemail message or an email message about the abuse
to your friend. You do not know if the abuser is monitoring the
phone or the computer.
Be
careful for yourself. Let your friend know what you are comfortable
doing and what your boundaries are. You can also get support for
yourself from the resources on and off-campus that are listed
below.
The
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project 1-800-832-1901
This grassroots, nonprofit organization provides community education
and direct services for clients. GMDVP offers shelter, guidance
and resources to allow gay, bisexual and transgender men in crisis
to leave violent situations and relationships. Located in Cambridge,
Massachusetts.
The
Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexual Women
617-423-SAFE (Hotline in English and Spanish)
This program offers free services in English and Spanish for battered
lesbians, bisexual women and transgender folks. These services include
a hotline, emergency shelter and advocacy programs. Located in Boston,
Massachusetts.
Sexual
Assault and Harassment Crisis Support 401.863-6000
Available through Psychological Services on-call system. Confidential crisis support and information is available for any Brown student dealing with sexual assault, sexual harassment, or violence in a relationship. The on-call counselor is also available to accompany a victim to the hospital.
Brown
Emergency Medical Services (EMS) 401.863-4111
Emergency response available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Office
of Student Life/Dean-on-Call 401.863-3800
Provides a crisis response system which includes deans-on-call.
Brown
Department of Public Safety 401.863-4111 (emergency response)
Emergency response available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You
may also direct any complaints to Public Safety's administrative
number, 863-3322.
Sexual
Assault & Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-494-8100
If you or someone you know needs help because of a sexual assault
or an abusive relationship, call this hotline 24 hours a day. Counselor-advocates
provide confidential support and are available to accompany victims
of sexual assault to the hospital and police station. Ongoing counseling
and support groups are available. (This hotline is specific to Rhode Island. Contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE if you need help in another state.)
RI
Gay & Lesbian Helpline 401.751-3322
Available Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 7pm to 10 pm.
National
Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY: 1-800-787-3224
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides anonymous crisis
intervention, information about domestic violence and referrals
to local services. The hotline advocates can answer calls in English
and Spanish and have access to translators in 139 languages.
For more information on the definition of dating violence, the dynamics
of an abusive relationship and warning signs of an abusive person,
link to Health Education's dating violence page.
This project is a grassroots, nonprofit organization providing community
education and direct services for clients. GMDVP offers shelter,
guidance, and resources to allow gay, bisexual, and transgender
men in crisis to leave violent situations and relationships.
This program offers free services for battered lesbians, bisexual
women, and transgender folks. These services include a hotline,
emergency shelter, and advocacy programs.
AVP is a 21-year-old victims' services agency providing free counseling,
crisis-intervention, and advocacy for survivors of trauma, crime
and violence in the city's diverse LGBT and HIV-affected communities.
Disclaimer: Health Education is part of Health Services at Brown University. Health Education maintains this site as a resource for Brown students. This site is not intended to replace consultation with your medical providers. No site can replace real conversation. Health Education offers no endorsement of and assumes no liability for the currency, accuracy, or availability of the information on the sites we link to or the care provided by the resources listed. Health Services staff are available to treat and give medical advice to Brown University students only. If you are not a Brown student, but are in need of medical assistance please call your own health care provider or in case of an emergency, dial 911. Please contact us if you have comments, questions or suggestions.
