First, you have to be a good roommate yourself. Think about what you need in your personal space and what you hope to get out of the roommate relationship so you can express yourself clearly. Ask yourself what you're like to live with. How do you feel about things like sharing your belongings, playing music, privacy, or neatness? Take some time to really think about these questions. You might not consider yourself a neat freak until it's somebody else's clothes on the floor. Or you might think you don't mind loud music, until Celine Dion is blasting from your roommate's speakers.

Now that you know what you expect from the relationship, find out what your roommate's expectations are too. When you first meet, get to know each other a little bit and talk honestly about your needs. Set some basic ground rules for what goes on in the room that you can both be comfortable with. For example, maybe you'll decide that you'll use headphones for music when you're both in the room.

When something your roommate does bothers you, talk about it, instead of letting little annoyances fester into larger hostilities. Don't expect your roommate to read your mind. Maybe your roommate grew up with 3 siblings and never thought twice about asking to borrow clothes, but for you it's a big deal, even though you never said so explicitly. Assumptions like these are the root of many a misunderstanding. Remember that most people do not intentionally wish to be inconsiderate of others and what might irritate you may be totally acceptable to another (and vice versa). 

If your roommate isn't doing their part -- like they leave smelly takeout remains in the trash but never haul a bag down to the dumpster, don't fume silently around them while complaining to everyone else about what a slob they are. Talk to them. Don't wait until things build up and then explode at your unsuspecting roommate when they toss a milk carton into the overflowing trash can. This sort of "dumping" is unfair and ineffective.

• Talk about whatever it is that bothers you as soon after it occurs as possible. First, find an appropriate time to talk with your roommate -- don't wait until they are rushing out the door for a class, and don't confront them in front of others.

• Before you approach your roommate, ask yourself: "What is my objective in this situation? If roles were reversed, how would I want someone to approach me?" Assume that your roommate doesn't mean to cause harm or that they're not out to make your life miserable.

• Be sure to assert yourself. Try not to sound meek and apologetic, because then they may dismiss your concerns. But try not to sound blaming and angry either, as if your roommate is a horrible person; that will make them defensive. In both your choice of words and tone of voice, strive to come across as one friendly, reasonable adult talking to another friendly, reasonable adult. You have something important you want to say, and you assume they'll listen.

• While stating your case, make sure also to listen to your roommate and respect their point of view. Maybe they had a huge test this week and totally forgot about the trash. Or maybe you've been doing some pretty irritating things yourself that have been driving them crazy. By listening non-defensively as well as talking assertively, you create a climate for resolving conflicts. Be sure to stick to things your roommate can change - the actions, not the person.

• And lastly, come up with a solution you're both comfortable with. Work at seeing the other person's perspective. If you're both trying to do so openly and honestly, you'll reach a fair compromise. 

Perhaps a third party can help. Have you asked your CC or a friend to act as a mediator? With someone else present, you and your roommate may be able to speak honestly, hear each other out and reach appropriate and acceptable agreements. If this doesn't work or you're not sure who would be a good mediator, there are other options. You can talk to a Dean of Student Life at 401.863-3800 to work through what's happening.